Mel Gibson Caught Ranting & Raving At Ex Oksana Grigorieva

Mel Gibson Caught Ranting & Raving At Ex Oksana Grigorieva

Mel Gibson was caught on tape yelling at his former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva in a soliloquy rich in profanity and racist remarks.

GET OFF MY LAWN! must warn readers that this article contains dashes which might offend some readers.

On the tapes, recorded by Grigorieva to prove Gibson's lunacy, the The Man Without a Face star frequently refers to Grigorieva as a "wh--e," "c--t" and "b----h," according to RadarOnline.com.

Here's a larger transcript of the What Women Want star's rant:

You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f---ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n----rs, it will be your fault... I am going to come and burn the f---ing house down. How dare you act like such a b---h when I have been so f---ing nice?

Grigorieva, 40, claims Gibson, 54, hit her and knocked out some of her teeth. Needless to say, she has filed a restraining order against the Bird on a Wire star.

Sadly these two have an 8-month old daughter.

The best part, at least according to the website is when Grigorieva is called a "b---h" by the Attack Force Z star and she responds, "I didn't do anything." Then the Tequila Sunrise star replies, "Did so."

One of the perks about getting OLD is the ability to rant and rave like a lunatic. However, the Edge of Darkness star broke all the rules concerning the OLD man rant.

Those rules are you can't be abusive, you can't be hateful, and you can't use racist slurs.

He also omitted several key features of the OLD man rant.

One, you have to include at least one non sequitur. You have to say something that makes no sense. Like "butter is frothing the tires" or "forget the hamper since pigeons are crusty" or "lubricated raspberries and maudlin areoles."

Secondly, you can be racist but only if your racism is completely harmless. Meaning, you can only say stuff that is so absurd the targeted race wouldn't find it offensive. "Albanians are bad bus drivers!" "Indians never take the brownie from the corner of the pan!" "Columbians always wear ill-fitting galoshes."

Thirdly, you have to eject spittle from your mouth, move your arms around incongruously, and if possible, sometime during your rant ensure that your hair becomes disheveled.

Finally, and this has nothing to do with the OLD man rant, but never ever ever ever ever yell at women named Oksana. It's like yelling at a woman named Sophia, Jasmine, Gabrielle or Swapnasundari.

Toy Story 3: Pixar's Biggest Movie Since Time Immemorial

Toy Story 3: Pixar's Biggest Movie Since Time Immemorial

Toy Story 3 not only won the weekend box office, but it was also Pixel's or Pixar's or Paxson's—whatever the studio is called—biggest opening weekend since the beginning of the universe.

I care so little about that movie that I'm not going to bother with the proper research.  This apathy of mine is fueled by my utter distaste of kids movies, kids, and movies.

Speaking of kids, the other day, as  I  was walking by a park, I noticed a kid wearing a cape.

That got me to thinking that one of the only really good things about being a kid was being able to wear a cape.

When you're young, wearing capes is socially acceptable.  When you're OLD, wearing a cape just makes you creepy OLD guy wearing a cape.

If I had it to do all over again, my childhood wardrobe would be nothing but capes.

I would have a short cape, a medium cape, and a long cape.

I would have a cape with a large collar and a cape with a short collar.

I would have a cape that's attaches to my sleeves and a cape with a hood.

My closet would be cape-centric.

In fact, everyday my outfit would consist of shoes with lights in the heel, blue jeans, multi-colored shirts baring designs of trucks, and capes.

O, to be young and a cape fancier.

Sadly, I'm OLD and therefore must attend an adult movie wearing a boring cardigan, or a banal windbreaker, or worse yet, a pedestrian polyfill coat with a fly-front.

World Cup 2010 Being Ruined By Vuvuzela

The humming noise you're hearing while watching the 2010 FIFA World Cup is made by a vuvuzela.

A vuvuzela is a long, thin plastic horn that some fans blow from the moment they enter the stadium until long after the final whistle sounds.

You can't change its pitch or its timbre, just its volume.

Someone with too much time on their hands broke out a decibel meter and found that a vuvuzela produce a sound between 113 decibels to 131 decibels.

So far the vuvuzelas have been the story of the World Cup.

Fans in the stands and at home have found the humming noise produced by the vuvuzelas annoying.

However, if you stopped watching the match between the U.S. and England because of the vuvuzela, guess what? You're OLD.

Nothing says you're old like changing the channel because you can't stand a sound.

If you can't endure the hum of the vuvuzela, or tune it out, for 90 minutes you're OLD.

It's the world's biggest sporting event. It only comes once every four years. How can you let a little noise shoo you away? Well, you can if you're OLD.

The only thing that's more of an indicator of OLDNESS than being unable to tolerate the vuvuzeals is if you've watch every World Cup game and have no idea what sound I'm talking about.

Portland Rose Festival's Grand Floral Parade

Portland Rose Festival's Grand Floral Parade

Despite being OLD and crotchety, I try to have an open mind.

For instance, I don't want a tattoo, but if you want one go ahead.

I don't like watching soccer, but if you like the World Cup than that's fine.

However, there is one event that I can not be so open-minded about and that's parades.

I mention this because today is the Rose Festival's Grand Floral Parade, an annual event in Portland, Oregon.

It's schlock that's worse than a root-canal.  I'd rather watch a beheading than one second of that god-awful trek of rosa.

If you attend a parade, or worse yet, watch one on television you have a mental deficiency.

Ever since the demise of radio, the parade has been the worst form of entertainment known to man.

How can you possible give up a large portion of your day to watch people walk in the middle of the road?

The only difference between a parade and the line at the movie theater is marching band music.

Yes, I know parades have floats but aren't those things usually made by PTA members and volunteers? Sorry, I don't care to look at anything made by housewives and/or the retired.

Don't give me the excuse that you only attend parades for your kids. You're the parent. You're the boss. And besides that's what the word "no" is for.

Perhaps my utter dislike of parades makes me closed-minded but I really don't care. There is no insult you can hurl that will ever make me reevaluate my opinion about parades.

Helen Thomas Retires Due To Remarks About Israel

Helen Thomas Retires Due To Remarks About Israel

Helen Thomas, who is 89-years-old and has covered 10 presidents as a White House reporter, has recently retired due to some inflammatory remarks she made about Israel that were caught on camera.

The Middle Earth-looking journalist said Israeli Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine" and "go home" to Germany, Poland and America.

Worse yet, she said this to a rabbi who was accompanied by his 17-year-old son and a friend, both of whom were wearing yarmulkes.

Oy vey!

As someone who is OLD this is very distressing.

No, we're not talking about her disdain for a major American alley, or her disparaging comments about a thriving democracy surrounded by a cesspool of tyranny, or the revealing of her anti-Semitism.

What's distressing about this incident is Thomas is OLD and she was punished for speaking crazy.

Crazy speech, especially slightly racist crazy speech, is one of the perks of being OLD.

If you're OLD and you can't talk crazy then what's the point? It's one of the few perks of being OLD. You have crazy speech, eating dinner at 4pm, and defecating in your pants.

And as we all know, society has no use for the OLD anyway--they are obsolete, slow, and they don't buy products sold on primetime television.

The OLD have nothing new to offer and nothing new to proclaim.

So why should anyone care what they have to say?

It's a sad day in America when an 89-year-old is held accountable for the crazy things she says. Getting OLD is becoming more and more arduous every day.

MLB Commissioner Won't Reverse Joyce's Call And Award Galarraga Perfection

MLB Commissioner Won't Reverse Joyce's Call And Award Galarraga Perfection

On Thursday, June 3, 2010, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said he would not over turn umpire Jim Joyce's call and award Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game.

The night before, June 2, 2010, Joyce blew a call at first base that would have been the final out of Galarraga's perfect game. Instead, Galarraga finished with a 1-hitter and a 3-0 complete game victory over the Cleveland Indians.

Obviously, the commissioner doesn't want to set a precedent of overturning umpire calls but in this case he missed an opportunity.

What he should have done is announced that he would announce a decision on Monday. That way, people could discuss this issue for four days.

Then on Monday, he should have awarded Galarraga his perfect game.

There have been two perfect games thrown this year. Name the pitchers?

You can't.

In fact, there have been 20 perfect games in the history of baseball and unless you're an ardent fan you can't name one of the pitchers (with the exception of maybe Don Larsen who threw his in the World Series).

While they are rare, perfect games and no-hitters are overrated especially when it comes to promoting the sport.

The commissioner missed an opportunity to promote his league and make Galarraga a household name or something close.

Overriding the call would have had zero effect on the standings while meaning a lot to Galarraga, the Tigers and their fans. And if you're worried about setting the wrong precedent then that's what the word "no" is for.