Bono's Bad Back Postpones U2's 2010 North American Tour

Bono's Back Postpones U2's North American Tour

You know you're OLD when the rockers of your youth start suffering from the same aliments that plague your grandparents.

These lame aliments involve mucous, puss, and phlegm and they need rehabilitation that requires canes, walkers, and trusses.

One such victim of this phenomenon was hitherto the coolest frontman on the face of the Earth.

On May 21, 2010 U2's Bono underwent emergency back surgery.

"Am I bugging you? I didn't mean to bug you," said Bono's back to Bono.

Surgery went well but Bono will need eight weeks to recover and U2's North American tour was postponed to 2011.

In a split-second Bono went from desirable rock star to Uncle Paul with the achin' back.

Meanwhile, Poison's Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage, a stroke, and a hole in his heart.

"Don't need nothing but hemorrhage, how can I get rid of this?"

When you're young your contemporaries suffer from romantic aliments like overdoses, car accidents, and suicides.

But when you're OLD they suffer from embarrassing ails like bad backs, strokes, and getting holes in internal organs.

To make matters worse, Bono and Bret Michaels probably take medication from one of those containers that are labeled with the days of the week.

It's perfectly acceptable if a rocker is in rehab. It's sad if the rocker needs a geriatrician.

Texas Bus Driver Has Run-In With Baby in Road

Texas Bus Driver Has Run-In With Baby in Road

It was just after midnight when Texas bus driver Mike Hubbard, during his usual route through San Antonio, saw something moving in the road up ahead.

Believing it was a critter, Hubbard slowed the bus down. As he approached the moving figure in the middle of the road he realized that it wasn't a dog or a cat or a opossum or a tarsier, but a far more sinister creature, a baby.

"I couldn't tell if he was eating something or not. But, his eyes got real big when he saw the big old bus in front of him," Hubbard told Texas news station WOAI-TV.

Hubbard slammed on the breaks and stopped just inches in front of the befuddled babe.

Then, out of nowhere, the father appeared. He grabbed the tot off the blacktop, and with nary a word, returned to the cover of darkness.

This scene, which was captured by the bus' on board camera, is disheartening, disconcerting, and disgusting. It underscores a major problem in our society.  The irresponsible act is both a pocks on humanity and a sign of the depravity to which we have sunk.

That's because allowing small children to roam freely onto our roads and streets is the perfect recipe for traffic jams.

We all have important places to go, we all are in a rush, we don't need babies in the road slowing us down.

I can't get from point A to point B if I have to dodge someone's half naked baby
I can't go fast in my Viper dodging babies wearing diapers.

Hopefully local law enforcement cited the baby's parents (and the baby for that matter) for their inconsiderate behavior towards our country's infrastructure.

Bottom line, nothing slows down a commute like a baby in the roadway.

Mothers of Americans Held in Iran Return to US

The mothers of the three Americans held in Iran are set to be back in the U.S. Saturday after visiting their spies children.

Their children are Sarah Shourd (31), her boyfriend Shane Bauer (27), and their friend Josh Fattal (27). The trio has been held in Iran on accusations of espionage.

In July of 2009 Iranian officials detained the trio while they were hiking in the mountains of the northern Kurdish region along the Iranian-Iraqi border.

Meanwhile, Jamie and Melissa Jeffers, an Oregon couple honeymooning in Thailand cut their month-long vacation short because of violence. Not domestic violence but violence resulting from political protests in Thailand.

These stories beg the question, "what in the hell were you thinking?"

Why would you vacation in these god awful, war-torn, sex-trading, unstable countries, especially Iraq?

If being OLD has taught me one thing its don't vacation in countries hosting wars that border countries with a history of hostage taking.

In fact, now that I am OLD I wouldn't vacation anywhere that didn't speak English or the city of Paris. That's it. Those are the only destinations you should ever plan on visiting.

I understand that places like Iraq and Thailand are beautiful and racked with history, but do you really need to spend your vacation in countries where their main sport is dodging bullets?

I understand that the overwhelming majority of the world's citizens are kind and peace loving, but do you really need to visit a country where most of the work force's annual salary is less than what you spend on your inflatables?

Sure, most of the vacationers who visit these forsaken lands return, but is your vacay really the time to play Russian Roulette with the natives?

One more thing, going to places like Iraq and Thailand is the traveling equivalent of having a ferret for a pet. It's a cry for attention and screams, "look at me I'm different."

Meh!

I'm going to Vegas where my life won't be in jeopardy and my money will be safe.

Michelle Obama Host Mother's Day Tea At White House

On Friday, May 7, 2010, First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a Mother’s Day Tea at the White House. Her distinguished guests were the mothers, daughters, and granddaughters of those that had previously resided at Pennsylvania Avenue.

During her speech, Mrs. Obama got emotional when she described the “beautiful experience” of raising her daughters.

Personally, I think mothers are overrated.

When confronted with the evidence that my mother gave me life, I always reply, "I never asked to be born."

However, that's neither here nor there. A more compelling topic is what precisely should we celebrate on Mother's Day?

On Mother's Day, should we celebrate all mother's or just our mother?

Now that I'm OLD, I realize that Mother's Day should be a vertical celebration, not an horizontal one. That means you celebrate your mother and/or grandmother not people you know that are mothers.

You take your mom to brunch. You don't take your sister who is a mother to brunch.

You give your grandmother a card. You don't give your cousin who is a mother a card.

Why?

We should celebrate mothering, the verb, not being a mother, the noun. Anyone can be a mother, only a few actually excel at it.

You could make the case that doing both is a possibility however the unique and odd relationship between mother and offspring makes that difficult, i.e. its creepy to celebrate the mothering exploits of someone that's not your mother.

Besides, you can honor other mothers besides your own with a simple and cheap, "Happy Mother's Day" greeting.

And that brings us to the ultimate reason why Mother's Day should be a vertical celebration, buying cards for every mother you know is too expensive!

Times Square Suspect, Faisal Shahzad Apprehended On Plane

Times Square Suspect, Faisal Shahzad Apprehended On Plane

On Monday, Faisal Shahzad, the suspect in the attempted Times Square bombing, was allowed to board a plane at JFK, bound for the United Arab Emirates.

Shahzad reserved his ticket on the way to the airport (Priceline rocks), paid with cash once he arrived, and then clear security.

He had almost made it but a Customs and Border Protection official saw his name on a list and turned back the plane.

This harrowing incident is sobering. It should come as a wake up call to both the OLD and the young. It should remind all of us that we seldom include terrorists in our "person you least want to sit next to on a plane" list.

Generally, babies and fat people go one two; talkative, creepy guys with mustaches are third, Starbucks employees are fourth, and psychotic, murderous, sadistic clowns are fifth, but if you think about it terrorist should really top the list.

First of all, there's nothing to talk about with a terrorist. They're righteous and you're an infidel. It's like the Odd Couple with falafels.

You certainly can't talk about politics. Sports is out of question because you really don't follow the Professional Beheading Tour or the Indoor Stoning League.

You certainly can't talk about music or movies--the fact Britney Spears shows her belly button and Tina Fey drives a car is why they hates us in the first place.

I suppose you could always talk about how peaceful their religion is.

Not all the time, but most of the time, terrorists stink. Think about, they are a)either on their way to blow something up (so why bother with the cologne) or b)they just left a cave (and we all know how hard it is to concentrate on hygiene when you're living in a dark, dank place).

Then there's the whole bomb thing. Meaning, they may be a blast but not in a good way. The only bomb a baby (or for that matter a fat person) is going to detonate will be in their diaper not in their shoes.

Yes, if being OLD has taught me one thing it's the person you least want to sit next to on a plane is a terrorist.