Cascade Action Packs

One of the hallmarks of getting old is finding excitement in things that even under ideal conditions; in the best of all possible worlds; in a shiny utopia without disease, hunger and pestilence; in a universe void of pain, suffering and acid wash jeans, you shouldn't find exciting.

Sadly, I can’t remember the last time I was more than excited than I am right now over a wonder-product called Cascade Action Packs. Yes, that’s right, I’m giddy about what is basically dishwashing detergent.

It may sound pathetic but these crystals are sent from God. They are little bags stuffed with soap, detergent, and Unicorn love that makes my dishes (especially my glass ware) sparkle and shine.

If you’re wondering where the bag goes, I don’t know. It just disappears. I would say it’s magic but magic doesn’t clean this well. Every time I use tge packs it’s like I bought a whole new set of dishes.

Not to sound obtuse, but Cascade Action Packs are frickin’ awesome.

Here’s how they work:

With dry hands, you set one pack in your dishwasher’s soap try, shut the latch, shut the dishwasher door, fire the puppy up, sit back and chill-lax.

When the dishwasher is done you’ll open the door to find two trays of glistening kitchen ware that is so clean you’ll want to make love to them.

And if you do that’s okay because you can just pop the love stained dishes back into the dishwasher, add another Cascade Action Pack and start the process all over again.

Yes, being this excited over a cleaning product definitely means you’re old but you know what, I don’t care. When you have clean, streak-less dishes like I now have nothing can ruin the high.

Talking On The Phone

The older you get, the less you enjoy talking on the phone. If you couple that with being a man, then talking on the phone is one notch above a colonoscopy.

Inevitably, someone calls when you're in the middle of something. Since you're old, you're always in the middle of something.

Since you're old and you're going to die soon, you really don't want to waste time talking on the phone.

So how do you get out of it?

You get out of it the same way old people get out of everything, by giving the impression that you can't do it. When you're young and can't do something, people are inclined to teach you. But when you're old and can't do something, people give up on you and move on.

So to prevent people from calling and annoying you, here is a list of words you should use the next time the phone rings. Stick to these words, and only these words. If you do, eventually no one will ever want to speak to you on the phone again.

Hey.
Alright or ah right.
Fine.
No.
Yeah (never "yes").
Sure.
Yeah sure.
Okay.
Dunno (never "don't know")..
Whatever.
Multilateral Nuclear Disarmament.
Uh-uh.
Chicken (when ask what you want to eat).
Don't care.
Good.
Bye.
[sigh as much as possible]
[never ask a question]
[try to create long awkward moments of silence]

Michael Moore and His Immature Anti-Capitalistic Views (Conclusion)

…When you’re young you’re ignorant. You don’t know anything.

Then you get some years under your belt and start to realize that capitalism is the best system we have and that its problems aren’t systematic but the folly of man.

You can take any walk of life and find good and bad people in it. There are just as many jerks in the politburo as there are at your friendly neighborhood multinational corporation.

Just as much evil reads Karl Marx as reads Adam Smith.

Having grown up a product of a lower-middle class family, I had a better standard of living; more luxuries; more amenities; more food, clothing and shelter than 99.9% of humanity, that ever lived on this planet, ever hoped to have.

My plush lifestyle was thanks to capitalism.

The reason why capitalism is the best economic system we have is because it rewards the positive behaviors of ingenuity, hard work, risk taking, competition, and invention.

These forces need to be unfettered to maximize man’s potential. If they are restrained, man wilts.

The actual real-life problems caused by capitalism are more than likely due to government intervention. In fact government regulations is probably a greater cause for concern then some C.E.O.'s avarice.

Finally, even if Michael Moore is right, or even half right, or even a quarter right, we would much rather be at the mercy of big business than the government. Corporations risk their own money but the government risks ours.

Michael Moore and His Immature Anti-Capitalistic Views

Michael Moore has been out and about promoting his latest film, “Capitalism: A Love Story.” In it, Moore harangues capitalism and blames it for all of America’s ills.

Despite being a 55-year-old man, Moore has the same view of capitalism held by most teenagers.

You know the type. They have the “different” haircut and the “different” raiment’s so they can look like all the other kids trying to be different. If you have the pleasure to engage them on capitalism it goes something like this:

“Capitalism sucks dude. Money is evil. I’m a communist. Groucho Marx is the man.”

“Who bought you that iPhone?”

“My Mom.”

“Where does she work?”

“Union Carbide.”

“Uh-uh.”

That’s why it’s hard not to laugh at Moore and his premise especially when he goes on NBC to promote his movie. NBC is owned by General Electric, the world’s largest company.

Jeffrey Immelt probably had a good laugh over that one…

Continued tomorrow.

Eva Longoria Opens Mouth

Recently, “actress” Eva Longoria spoke at a charity gala and said she is shocked by Americans’ attitudes towards immigrants and supports Obamacare.

It was quite an amazing moment. The body actually has a brain.

Well, a brain may be pushing it a bit, but Longoria did show she has the capability to form a complete sentence on her own.

Longoria: "The immigration issue is interesting because historically everyone has immigrated, this is a country of immigrants.”

You’re not an immigrant if you were born here. I was born here. You were probably born here. Most Americans were born here.

Longoria: “So it kind of shocks me that people have such a vile reaction to immigrants when they provide a huge amount of services to our country, and particularly in agriculture."

The overwhelming majority of Americans are proponents of immigration but opponents of illegal immigration. You want to come to this county, that’s fine, but do it legally.

Longoria thinks immigration reform is important but not as much as healthcare.

"One topic at a time, [Obama] can tackle the health care issue, and I completely support him on what he is doing currently, with his options that he wants to provide, and ... how he wants to fund it."

[Roll eyes]

Thanks for trying Eva. Now close the mouth and look pretty. We’ll call you when your husband is playing basketball and we need some eye candy at courtside.

President Obama and Racism

Suddenly, if you criticize President Obama you are labeled a racist.

Honest disagreements with the President are being attacked with dishonest accusations of racism.

This movement is being perpetrated by liberals and democrats and their reason for doing it is quite simple.

They can’t logically defend President Obama’s stance on healthcare, cap and trade, the economy, and the defensive missile shield. So with no intellectual leg to stand on, his proponents charge his opponents with racism.

There is perhaps no accusation harder to remove from one’s reputation than that of racism. In fact, it would be easier to cleanse one’s self of being called a murderer or a child molester than a racist.

DNA, finger prints, witnesses, and alibis will help the innocent refute criminal chargers, but there’s nothing anyone can do to reverse the brand of racism.

We live in a society riddled with white guilt. So much so, that if you’re called a racist it will probably stick. When it sticks you become poison.

That is why the strategy of immediately labeling the President’s detractors as racists without one iota of proof is as bad as the act of racism itself.

The Difference Between May & Might

Working as teleprompter operator for a local news station, I noticed that the anchors consistently changed the word “might” into “may.”

This might or may be merely a product of aesthetics. When spoken, the word “may” sounds better than the word “might.”

I learned that the word “may” indicates a higher probability of something happening than the word “might.” For example...

“I may go home and take a nap.”

...versus...

“I might go home and take a nap with Paget Brewster.”

The first example is likely is happen, the second scenario probably won't happen.

This could very well be the reason why anchors eschew “might” for “may.” Unfortunately, I don’t remember the context in which they swapped words.

Additionally, “might” is the past tense of “may.”

“Joe might have gone to the party last night.”

Also, when writing it’s a good idea to use “might” when expressing that something probably won’t happen and if the use of ”may” incorrectly indicates you’re forbidden from doing something.

For instance, “I may not wash my car this evening” could indicate that you don’t have permission to wash your car.

“I might not wash my car this evening,” clearly conveys that you probably won’t be washing your car this evening because of your own volition.

May you learn for this even though you might not care.

Obamacare

The best retort to those who desire universal healthcare:

"...majority of Americans still have health insurance through their job and it's, you know, most of them are happy with it."

-President Barack Obama, September 8th, 2009

Brett Favre's Return To NFL

There's more to Brett Favre's return to the NFL than one might think.

Favre certainly enjoys playing football and it's clear he wants to win another Super Bowl (i.e. defeat the Green Bay Packers).

Obviously the team he's joined, Minnesota Vikings, get the a hall of fame quarterback, that despite turning 40 in October, is still one of the best in the league.

Yet there was another incentive for the Vikings to bring Favre aboard. In the 72 hours after his signing the team sold 15,000 individual game tickets.

Favre's Vikings jersey was the league's top seller between April and late August and he only joined the team in the middle of August.

Even if the Vikings don't make the Super Bowl signing Favre was definitely worth it.

It's Not a Money Problem

This country is in deep financial trouble and if you peruse daytime talk shows you realize why.

Often these shows will have on a clean, well-groomed, white man or woman, or even a couple, along with some dumpy “financial advisor.” The gist of these incredibly perspicacious segments is that person(s) has money problems and the advisor is going to save them from financial ruin.

However, the only financial problem these people have is themselves. Their jobs provide average to above-average incomes but they have below average common sense.

They fail to realize that you can’t spend money irresponsibly and then expect to have it when you really need it.

Ultimately, these geniuses don’t need an “expert” setting them up with a budget; they need common sense and self control.

To make matters worse these money-idiots are treated like as cute little puppies that have a cute little out-of-control habits.

There’s nothing cute about the way they spend money and sadly we live in a society that not only excuses bad financial behavior, but encourages it.