'Barefoot Bandit' Dislikes Attention, Doesn't Want Movie Deal

'Barefoot Bandit' Dislikes Attention, Doesn't Want Movie Deal

One of the signs of being OLD is rooting for the cops to shoot suspects instead of apprehending them.

Basically, when you're OLD you want every episode of Cops to end with the shirtless guy getting hauled off to the morgue, not hauled off to jail.

So it goes without saying that I wanted the Colton Harris-Moore, the infamous "Barefoot Bandit," taken dead not alive.

I mean just look at the kid's picture. He's the text book definition of a "punk."

Even if he wasn't in police custody, even if he was an upstanding human being who read to the blind and baked cookies for lepers, his photo would still inspire intense hatred and violent tendencies.

The 19-year-old hoodlum allegedly stole planes, luxury cars, and yachts and in doing so eluded law enforcement for 2-years.  He was finally apprehended, safely, in the Bahamas.

For some reason, his crime wave made him a hero to thongs of dolts and neanderthals on the internet. Sadly, there are way too many people in this world of such diabolically low character that they can't help but to romanticize and idealize criminals.

There you have it. What more could you want in villain?

Well, in true CHM fashion he "zigs" just when you think he'll "zag:" the kid doesn't want his story told and he doesn't like the attention he's getting.

"He wanted me to give the message to the public that what he did was not romantic, that he shouldn't be a role model," said his lawyer John Henry Browne. "He actually doesn't like the attention he is getting."

Damn you CHM! Just when I was about to throw darts at your picture you wax philosophically through your lawyer.

"He felt if he told [his story] or gave it away, it would no longer be his story," continued Browne. "Almost like, if you look in a mirror, your soul is stolen. It was really interesting."

The kid broke the law and he must pay for that, but at least he's not compounding what he did wrong but whoring himself out to Hollywood.

It's obvious that Colton-Harris Moore has more character than his criminal-worshiping fans. Too bad he didn't have enough character to keep himself out of prison.

Of course, being that I'm OLD I'm also cynical.  These musings could actually be laying the groundwork for his defense and not at all a testament of his sagacious conscience.  Time will only tell.

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

When I was really young, "ass" was a swear word. You couldn't say it on television or at school--the two main arbiters of what is and isn't permissible.

Once, I remember a precocious friend of mind showing me the soul of his "GASS" shoes during an assembly at the school's library. He covered the letter "G" with his hand and we all snickered.

Back than, "ass" was a funny word.

When I got a little bit OLDER, friends of mine used the phrase "kick ass" to highlight something positive.

"That VHS tape is kick ass," said Mike.

"The new Genesis game is kick ass," said Jennifer.

While the phrase was fun to say, it was still only uttered amongst friends. It wasn't something you said to your grandmother or Aunt Eunice or the lady at Hi-School Pharmacy.

Now that I'm OLD, Hollywood has released a mainstream movie called "Kick Ass." So in my lifetime, "ass" has gone from a swear word to a movie title.

The word doesn't "offend" my sensibilities. I've heard far worse. However, I do find the word quite coarse and its use quite lazy.

Not only that, but it's a gateway curse. Before we know it, a mainstream movie will have the "F-word" or the "C-word" or the "J-word" in its title.

Again, I've heard them all but do we really need those type of words popping up in the titles of mainstream movie? Aren't we better than that?

Look at it this way: the words "snot," "booger," and "poop" aren't swear words but I wouldn't put them in the title of my movie.

I would hope to show more imagination.

Kick Ass is set for release on April 16.

Fact

Why does Hollywood tell us how much money their movies make? No one else does that. You go to the ball game and they tell you how many people showed up. Television has ratings. Newspaper and Magazines have a circulation. Oh wait, I know why: if Hollywood actually told us how many people actually went to their movies we would be underwhelm by how few people actually see a movie in the theater. Fact: a bad television show is seen by more people during its one airing then 99% of movies in an entire weekend.

Juno

I recently watched that movie “Juno.” It’s about a teenager who becomes pregnant—a teenage girl in case you haven’t see the trailer. (Turn on the sarcastic meter here) She’s really cool and hip. She uses lingo, synonyms, jargon and sometimes even slang! She’s really smart and hip and pithy and “with-it.” Additionally, she listens to music that other kids her age don’t listen too! How precocious! (Turn off sarcastic meter) If she’s so damn smart and so damn cool, why in the hell did she get pregnant? I’ll save my positive labels for girls who can keep their legs close. I hate Hollywood.