Today at my gym, I saw a sign-up sheet for massages. The person doing the massages was named Ed Riley. Now Ed may be a nice man and he’s probably a very good masseur, but no one named Ed is touching me. Eduardo maybe; Edward with the “w” pronounced as a “v” probably; but plain old everyday Ed? No way Jose. Guys named Ed handle my plumbing or sell me tires; they don’t kneed my deep tissue. His last name is Riley. Ed Riley is the guy I bowl with or go to his trailer to watch NASCAR—no one named Ed Riley has supple hands.
What Is Old?
Old has nothing to do with age. Instead, Old is the condition of rejecting new ideas, longing for the past, scorning the future, and refusing to update one's view of the world.
Mission Statement
This blog’s mission is to accurately chronicle the descent of a once happy, well-adjusted adult as he tumbles helplessly into the abyss of bitterness, hatred and callousness. To fulfill this mission, no words are barred, no tradition is held sacred and no insult is deemed insensitive. As technology marches forward, man’s aging process is constantly being accelerated by social, economic and artistic changes. Medicine is prolonging life and slowing down the aging process, but society keeps inappropriately coveting youth by continually redefining what is considered young. How can a man cope in a world where his body stays younger longer but his culture says he’s older sooner? This blog will attempt to answer those questions. And if space allows we will also have pictures of cute cats!
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Things You Can't Do When You're Old
- Drink heavily
- Stay up all night
- Hope
- Fall in love
- Try new things
- Touch your toes
- Dream
- Eat spicy foods
- Improve
- Drive at night
Why Being Young Is Better Than Being Old
- You have no shame
- Understand new technology
- You're faster
- Can buy things you don't need
- Can be sexy w/o being creepy
- Not bitter yet
- Watch movies in theaters
- Your ears work
- Can eat anything you want
- To stupid to know better
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