Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day was first celebrated in 1908.  It became an official holiday in 1914.  By the 1920s, the woman behind the celebration, Anna Jarvis, had already become dissolution by the holiday’s commercialism.  

Wow, that’s quick.  Americans think we over-commercialize things now.  Well, I guess we over-commercialize things back then too. 

If we consider “commercialization inflation,” and adjust for things like the internet, smart phones, and television, then if Mother’s Day had been launched today it would have been over-commercialized in about a week.

Jarvis, who trademarked the phrases “Mother’s Day” and “second Sunday in May,” was adamant that the word “mother” be singular and for each family to honor their own maternity.  Thus we have “Mother’s Day” and not “Mothers’ Day.”

If the holiday had been launched today, it would have not been called “Mothers’ Day” as you might think.  We all know we live in a world with a lot of bleeding hearts who want to make everything global, but those P.C. pansies would not have named the holiday “Mother’s Day.”

No, if Mother’s Day was founded in 2013 instead of 1908 it would be called “Parent’s 1 Day.”  Then in June we’d have “Parent’s 2 Day.” 

You think I’m joking but you know it’s true.

Super Bowl XLV Draws 111 Million Viewers

Super Bowl XLV Draws 111 Million Viewers

Super Bowl XLV was the most watch television program of all-time.  The nip-tuck game which saw the Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 drew 111 million viewers.  I thought the game was great but why were the commercials so dang loud?

A 111 million people watched the Big Game and I think I ate enough food to feed about half of them.  That's not unusual.  I generally eat a lot during a football game and even more during the Super Bowl, but this year was different.  This year, because I'm OLD, I'm not snapping back as quickly as I once snapped back.  Nearly 36 hours after the Packers hoisted the Lombardi Trophy I'm still in  recovery mode.

I woke up in the middle of the night and feeling what can only be described as hungover--but I had nary a drop of alcohol, just victuals.  I was sweating for no reason, my throat was parched, and my stomach was doing cartwheels.  I felt like I was going vomit.

I remember returning to bed and mentally chanting to myself, "you're not going to puke, you feel fine.  You're not going to puke, you feel fine..."  It was the same mantra I used when I had been over served.  And in effect I had been "over served" but not with spirits, with snacks.

Hitherto, when I had overeaten, I would feel painfully full for a couple of hours before being able to resume to normal "stuffing of face."  It's now Tuesday morning and I'm still full, still sick, and still looking at food with revolt and disgust.  All I ate on Monday was dry toast and jello.

I suppose a day or two of eating like a nursing home resident will counter a football game's worth of excessive consumption.  I just wish I could shake the constant nauseous feeling, the inability to maintain a comfortable body temperature, and the lovely stomach cramps.

This growing old stuff is worse than Christina Aguilera's rendition of the National Anthem.

North Dakota Legislators Look To Pass 'Stop Bullying' Legislation

North Dakota Legislators Look To Pass 'Stop Bullying' Legislation

In the wake of a 16-year who hung herself over what authorities believe was relentless cyber bullying, North Dakota lawmakers will step up their efforts to pass anti-bullying laws.

North Dakota is one of nine states that doesn’t have laws against bullying.

Meanwhile, the Kansas State Board of Education is considering whether there should be a statewide anti-bullying policy.

If you watch the nightly news or the local news, and since I'm OLD that's all I watch, you'll likely see a story about bullying.

In fact, stopping bullying is all the rage. It's the cause du jour especially for people who only show compassion when it's cool.

However, they're wrong. Bullying does not need to stop. Bullying is as natural for kids as acme, braces, and unexpected erections.

The kids killing themselves because they are "bullied" either have other, more serious problems, or they weren't "bullied." They were actually assaulted or the victim of some other crime.

To put it another way, the mainstream media is covering this issue incorrectly.  It's not a bullying issue, it's a criminal issue.

Kids will get bullied and kids will bully. It's the nature of things. There's the strong and there's the weak. The strong pick on the weak. It's humanity 101.

Besides, getting bullied is good. It toughens you up. All these efforts to stop bullying is just further proof that our society is becoming over feminized. That's just one of things you notice when growing old.

You learn valuable lessons from getting bullied and those lessons are indispensable once you grow old. After all, bullies exist in adulthood too (see SEIU members, DMV employees, Joy Behar, snow skiers, and MSNBC show hosts).

Young People Shouldn't Vote

The biggest mid-term election in the history of humanity is Tuesday.  It's a day when all eligible Americans can employ their greatest right--their right to vote.  And with their vote they can change the course of history or keep the course the same.

With that being said I hope not everyone votes.  No, I'm not one of those smarmy democrats, smug comedians, or cackling hens from The View who think voting registration should be based on your ability to name every MSNBC hosts.  No, the only people I want to keep away from the polls are young people.

Young people shouldn't vote.  They don't know anything.  They have no wisdom.  They have no experience. They think the coolest candidate is the best.  They don't do any research.  they don't read the voters pamphlet.  They just vote for whoever Lady Gaga, Bono, or Jim J. Bullock tells them to vote for.

I don't know youth voting statistics but if I did I bet they would reveal that young people vote for all the wrong candidates. It would surely show that youths vote for candidates who raise taxes, increase taxes, and not lower taxes.

Look at the 2008 election.  Every young person old enough to hang a chad was out there with their Obama jersey and their Barrack badges swooning at the Second Coming.  Voting for him was supposed to be a transcendent moment.  He was the Savior after all.

Fast forward two years and just about everyone who was in the Chosen One's corner is now running away.  Hardly any of the democratic congressional incumbents are running on The One's legislative accomplishments, The Savior didn't unite the country he divided it further, thanks to The Messiah the terrorists not only hate us but they think we're a joke too, and the economy has only gotten worse.

Fortunately, his ascendancy caused most of those juvenile punks to learn a valuable life lesson.  It's a lesson that OLD people already knew.  That lesson is every election offers voters the choice between the lesser of two evils.  There is no Savior.  There are no candidates that can walk on Lake Michigan.

While the 2008 election had an historical element, never again will the annuals of history matter.  From now on you're just voting for politicians.  You were before but you were just too ignorant to realize.

That is why voter registration should be left to those who are old enough to remember The Rock as a wrestler, The Daily Show with Craig Kilborn, and Betty White before she was kitsch.

If we leave voting to the OLD people we might be able to avoid a repeat of 2008.

China Experiencing Monster Traffic Jam, May Last For Weeks

China Experiencing Monster Traffic Jam, May Last For Weeks

I didn't really like them when I was YOUNG, but I especially hate them now that I'm OLD.

I am of course complaining about traffic jams.  They are humanity's worst development, particularly congestion that arises from bad driving, auto accidents, and construction.

If I could change one thing about the world it would be, beyond on a shadow of doubt, the eradication of traffic jams.

It's the most counterproductive thing in the universe.

Driving a car is pathetically easy.  If the few extra vehicles during rush hour causes you to slow down and/or panic, then you shouldn't be on the road.  Instead you should be put in a "camp" for incompetent drivers (don't worry you'll get visitors every Tuesday and Thursday).

Laws should be changed to moderately punish drivers involved in traffic accidents.  Those responsible (especially those that force ME to sit in traffic) should be made to pay all costs of emergency responders as well as an addition $3.2 million.

Then they should be flogged, tarred & feathered, and forced to listen to Arcade Fire for a week—you know, nothing to drastic.

Needless to say, highways, freeways and major arteries should never be worked on.  They should be made from indestructible, weatherproof material that last forever.

Of course, while I've had some bad times sitting in traffic I've never experienced anything like what's going on in China.

Right now in Zhōngguó, there's a 60-mile long traffic jam on the four-lane Beijing-Tibet highway.  Trucks move less than a mile a day.  Some have been stuck in the mess for five days.

The standstill stretches from Beijing to Mongolia.  I have no idea have far Beijing is from Mongolia but anything that stretches to Mongolia is fricking long.

Chinese traffic aficionados believe the snarl could last up to a month.  Needless to say, 15 minutes after the traffic jam clears up drivers will be ready more.

The good news: motorists are behaving themselves and there have been no reports of road rage.

However, the locals are taking advantage of the situation by selling food and water for exorbitant amounts of yens.  But that's why they are the second biggest economy in the world, yo.

No one has brought in any Honeybuckets, so commuters are forced to either hike to service areas or do their business in the fields.  No word on what they do for twosies.

Many of the vehicles are carrying fruits and vegetables and their holds are unrefrigerated.  Needless to say the smell is a bit rank.

Whoever caused the backup should lose their job.

Basically, it's hell on Earth.

'Barefoot Bandit' Dislikes Attention, Doesn't Want Movie Deal

'Barefoot Bandit' Dislikes Attention, Doesn't Want Movie Deal

One of the signs of being OLD is rooting for the cops to shoot suspects instead of apprehending them.

Basically, when you're OLD you want every episode of Cops to end with the shirtless guy getting hauled off to the morgue, not hauled off to jail.

So it goes without saying that I wanted the Colton Harris-Moore, the infamous "Barefoot Bandit," taken dead not alive.

I mean just look at the kid's picture. He's the text book definition of a "punk."

Even if he wasn't in police custody, even if he was an upstanding human being who read to the blind and baked cookies for lepers, his photo would still inspire intense hatred and violent tendencies.

The 19-year-old hoodlum allegedly stole planes, luxury cars, and yachts and in doing so eluded law enforcement for 2-years.  He was finally apprehended, safely, in the Bahamas.

For some reason, his crime wave made him a hero to thongs of dolts and neanderthals on the internet. Sadly, there are way too many people in this world of such diabolically low character that they can't help but to romanticize and idealize criminals.

There you have it. What more could you want in villain?

Well, in true CHM fashion he "zigs" just when you think he'll "zag:" the kid doesn't want his story told and he doesn't like the attention he's getting.

"He wanted me to give the message to the public that what he did was not romantic, that he shouldn't be a role model," said his lawyer John Henry Browne. "He actually doesn't like the attention he is getting."

Damn you CHM! Just when I was about to throw darts at your picture you wax philosophically through your lawyer.

"He felt if he told [his story] or gave it away, it would no longer be his story," continued Browne. "Almost like, if you look in a mirror, your soul is stolen. It was really interesting."

The kid broke the law and he must pay for that, but at least he's not compounding what he did wrong but whoring himself out to Hollywood.

It's obvious that Colton-Harris Moore has more character than his criminal-worshiping fans. Too bad he didn't have enough character to keep himself out of prison.

Of course, being that I'm OLD I'm also cynical.  These musings could actually be laying the groundwork for his defense and not at all a testament of his sagacious conscience.  Time will only tell.