Super Bowl XLV Draws 111 Million Viewers

Super Bowl XLV Draws 111 Million Viewers

Super Bowl XLV was the most watch television program of all-time.  The nip-tuck game which saw the Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 drew 111 million viewers.  I thought the game was great but why were the commercials so dang loud?

A 111 million people watched the Big Game and I think I ate enough food to feed about half of them.  That's not unusual.  I generally eat a lot during a football game and even more during the Super Bowl, but this year was different.  This year, because I'm OLD, I'm not snapping back as quickly as I once snapped back.  Nearly 36 hours after the Packers hoisted the Lombardi Trophy I'm still in  recovery mode.

I woke up in the middle of the night and feeling what can only be described as hungover--but I had nary a drop of alcohol, just victuals.  I was sweating for no reason, my throat was parched, and my stomach was doing cartwheels.  I felt like I was going vomit.

I remember returning to bed and mentally chanting to myself, "you're not going to puke, you feel fine.  You're not going to puke, you feel fine..."  It was the same mantra I used when I had been over served.  And in effect I had been "over served" but not with spirits, with snacks.

Hitherto, when I had overeaten, I would feel painfully full for a couple of hours before being able to resume to normal "stuffing of face."  It's now Tuesday morning and I'm still full, still sick, and still looking at food with revolt and disgust.  All I ate on Monday was dry toast and jello.

I suppose a day or two of eating like a nursing home resident will counter a football game's worth of excessive consumption.  I just wish I could shake the constant nauseous feeling, the inability to maintain a comfortable body temperature, and the lovely stomach cramps.

This growing old stuff is worse than Christina Aguilera's rendition of the National Anthem.

North Dakota Legislators Look To Pass 'Stop Bullying' Legislation

North Dakota Legislators Look To Pass 'Stop Bullying' Legislation

In the wake of a 16-year who hung herself over what authorities believe was relentless cyber bullying, North Dakota lawmakers will step up their efforts to pass anti-bullying laws.

North Dakota is one of nine states that doesn’t have laws against bullying.

Meanwhile, the Kansas State Board of Education is considering whether there should be a statewide anti-bullying policy.

If you watch the nightly news or the local news, and since I'm OLD that's all I watch, you'll likely see a story about bullying.

In fact, stopping bullying is all the rage. It's the cause du jour especially for people who only show compassion when it's cool.

However, they're wrong. Bullying does not need to stop. Bullying is as natural for kids as acme, braces, and unexpected erections.

The kids killing themselves because they are "bullied" either have other, more serious problems, or they weren't "bullied." They were actually assaulted or the victim of some other crime.

To put it another way, the mainstream media is covering this issue incorrectly.  It's not a bullying issue, it's a criminal issue.

Kids will get bullied and kids will bully. It's the nature of things. There's the strong and there's the weak. The strong pick on the weak. It's humanity 101.

Besides, getting bullied is good. It toughens you up. All these efforts to stop bullying is just further proof that our society is becoming over feminized. That's just one of things you notice when growing old.

You learn valuable lessons from getting bullied and those lessons are indispensable once you grow old. After all, bullies exist in adulthood too (see SEIU members, DMV employees, Joy Behar, snow skiers, and MSNBC show hosts).

China Experiencing Monster Traffic Jam, May Last For Weeks

China Experiencing Monster Traffic Jam, May Last For Weeks

I didn't really like them when I was YOUNG, but I especially hate them now that I'm OLD.

I am of course complaining about traffic jams.  They are humanity's worst development, particularly congestion that arises from bad driving, auto accidents, and construction.

If I could change one thing about the world it would be, beyond on a shadow of doubt, the eradication of traffic jams.

It's the most counterproductive thing in the universe.

Driving a car is pathetically easy.  If the few extra vehicles during rush hour causes you to slow down and/or panic, then you shouldn't be on the road.  Instead you should be put in a "camp" for incompetent drivers (don't worry you'll get visitors every Tuesday and Thursday).

Laws should be changed to moderately punish drivers involved in traffic accidents.  Those responsible (especially those that force ME to sit in traffic) should be made to pay all costs of emergency responders as well as an addition $3.2 million.

Then they should be flogged, tarred & feathered, and forced to listen to Arcade Fire for a week—you know, nothing to drastic.

Needless to say, highways, freeways and major arteries should never be worked on.  They should be made from indestructible, weatherproof material that last forever.

Of course, while I've had some bad times sitting in traffic I've never experienced anything like what's going on in China.

Right now in Zhōngguó, there's a 60-mile long traffic jam on the four-lane Beijing-Tibet highway.  Trucks move less than a mile a day.  Some have been stuck in the mess for five days.

The standstill stretches from Beijing to Mongolia.  I have no idea have far Beijing is from Mongolia but anything that stretches to Mongolia is fricking long.

Chinese traffic aficionados believe the snarl could last up to a month.  Needless to say, 15 minutes after the traffic jam clears up drivers will be ready more.

The good news: motorists are behaving themselves and there have been no reports of road rage.

However, the locals are taking advantage of the situation by selling food and water for exorbitant amounts of yens.  But that's why they are the second biggest economy in the world, yo.

No one has brought in any Honeybuckets, so commuters are forced to either hike to service areas or do their business in the fields.  No word on what they do for twosies.

Many of the vehicles are carrying fruits and vegetables and their holds are unrefrigerated.  Needless to say the smell is a bit rank.

Whoever caused the backup should lose their job.

Basically, it's hell on Earth.

Helen Thomas Retires Due To Remarks About Israel

Helen Thomas Retires Due To Remarks About Israel

Helen Thomas, who is 89-years-old and has covered 10 presidents as a White House reporter, has recently retired due to some inflammatory remarks she made about Israel that were caught on camera.

The Middle Earth-looking journalist said Israeli Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine" and "go home" to Germany, Poland and America.

Worse yet, she said this to a rabbi who was accompanied by his 17-year-old son and a friend, both of whom were wearing yarmulkes.

Oy vey!

As someone who is OLD this is very distressing.

No, we're not talking about her disdain for a major American alley, or her disparaging comments about a thriving democracy surrounded by a cesspool of tyranny, or the revealing of her anti-Semitism.

What's distressing about this incident is Thomas is OLD and she was punished for speaking crazy.

Crazy speech, especially slightly racist crazy speech, is one of the perks of being OLD.

If you're OLD and you can't talk crazy then what's the point? It's one of the few perks of being OLD. You have crazy speech, eating dinner at 4pm, and defecating in your pants.

And as we all know, society has no use for the OLD anyway--they are obsolete, slow, and they don't buy products sold on primetime television.

The OLD have nothing new to offer and nothing new to proclaim.

So why should anyone care what they have to say?

It's a sad day in America when an 89-year-old is held accountable for the crazy things she says. Getting OLD is becoming more and more arduous every day.

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

When I was really young, "ass" was a swear word. You couldn't say it on television or at school--the two main arbiters of what is and isn't permissible.

Once, I remember a precocious friend of mind showing me the soul of his "GASS" shoes during an assembly at the school's library. He covered the letter "G" with his hand and we all snickered.

Back than, "ass" was a funny word.

When I got a little bit OLDER, friends of mine used the phrase "kick ass" to highlight something positive.

"That VHS tape is kick ass," said Mike.

"The new Genesis game is kick ass," said Jennifer.

While the phrase was fun to say, it was still only uttered amongst friends. It wasn't something you said to your grandmother or Aunt Eunice or the lady at Hi-School Pharmacy.

Now that I'm OLD, Hollywood has released a mainstream movie called "Kick Ass." So in my lifetime, "ass" has gone from a swear word to a movie title.

The word doesn't "offend" my sensibilities. I've heard far worse. However, I do find the word quite coarse and its use quite lazy.

Not only that, but it's a gateway curse. Before we know it, a mainstream movie will have the "F-word" or the "C-word" or the "J-word" in its title.

Again, I've heard them all but do we really need those type of words popping up in the titles of mainstream movie? Aren't we better than that?

Look at it this way: the words "snot," "booger," and "poop" aren't swear words but I wouldn't put them in the title of my movie.

I would hope to show more imagination.

Kick Ass is set for release on April 16.