Jessica Alba, Shmessica Alba

When I young I had a definite idea of what I wanted in a woman. I had a specific hair type, a specific body type and a specific face type.

Now that I’m old all I want is a woman with a pulse.

As long as she’s remotely clean, semi-fashionably dressed and hairless in all the right places she’s attractive in my book.

I wouldn’t describe this new idea of an “ideal woman” as a lowering of my standards. Instead, I view it as a widening of my definition of attractive—which is any chick within a stone’s throw of a size 12.

Also, my old age has brought wisdom. I know beauty comes from within and not from without (unless you’re stacked). I also know the difference between sex and companionship. I also know which one is the most important (companionship, unless she’s wealthy).

I also know how to get a bedroom real dark. And once it’s dark, everyone looks the same.