The Christmas Sandwich

When I was young I asked Santa to bring me toys for Christmas but no clothes.

When I became a teenager, I stopped asking Santa for toys but instead just asked for fun gifts (still no clothes).

When I became an adult, I stopped asking for anything for Christmas but I still secretly wished for fun gifts (however, I never wished for clothes).

Now, I don’t care what I get for Christmas. Buy me a gift, don’t buy me a gift. Buy me a shirt, don’t buy me a shirt. It’s all the same to me.

Christmas gifts have lost all of their excitement. Just more crap to keep in my house and never use or more crap to hang in my closet and never wear.

You know what I really want for Christmas? You know what I would really like to unwrap this year? What I would really like for Christmas this year is a sandwich.

It doesn’t have to be an exotic or an expensive sandwich. All I need is whole wheat bread, a little turkey, some lettuce, and a few thick slices of cheddar cheese (medium). Some fancy mustard would be nice but nothing too spicy—I have a sensitive tummy.

You couldn’t buy me a cheap pre-made sandwich; those aren’t very good and often contain earwigs.

I don’t want a sandwich from a sandwich shop either. They don’t hold up well and they skimp on the fixings.

Also, I don’t want a sandwich delivered from S. Claus, his bread is always dry. I’m referring to both Saul Claus Delicatessen locations, the one on Main and especially the one on Hoyt.

No sandwich gift cards. I don’t want to wait for my sandwich. Waiting for a sandwich is worse than getting clothes. Not only that, but when using a gift card you either have a small amount left over or a small amount to owe.

What am I going to do with a small amount of credit at a sandwich shop? And no one wants to chip in to buy their own Christmas present.

Basically, I want a homemade sandwich for Christmas and after all we’ve been through this year; I think I deserve a quality sandwich.

Now, if you already had all the stuff in your kitchen, a sandwich would be pretty cheap. You might not even have to go to the store.

If we were at someone else’s house for Christmas you could just use their sandwich fixings and the sandwich wouldn’t cost you a penny.

Of course, the homeowner might object, especially if you’re giving me the sandwich and you leave their kitchen in a mess. By the way, you can’t appease the homeowner by making them a sandwich too. That wouldn’t be fair if they get a Christmas gift and a sandwich while I just get a Christmas gift that is a sandwich.

You could always bring the sandwich fixings with you but what a hassle that would be. Just remember, if you do that, don’t let me see you haul the sandwich fixings around. That would ruin my surprise.

I don’t know how you would wrap my sandwich? Maybe put all the fixings in a box and then after I opened it, you could assemble the sandwich. After all, you can’t make the sandwich the night before—soggy bread.

Right before we open presents, you could construct the sandwich (when I’m not looking), wrap it up in a box and make sure I open my gift first. Wow, think of the logistics of that maneuver.

I keep mentioning putting my sandwich in a box, because I don’t think tape will stick to bread. I suppose you could put my sandwich in a Christmas gift bag.

If you decide to just wrap up the fixings, make sure you only include enough parts for one Christmas sandwich. Don’t wrap the entire loaf of bread or the unused portion of the block of cheese, unless you’re planning on coming over the next day and making me another sandwich.

Yes, a sandwich under the tree would be about the best gift ever. It would be a Christmas miracle.

One more thing, don’t forget the pickle.