Hot

Where I live we are currently experiencing a heat wave. Granted, it’s a two day heat wave and temperatures, while unseasonable hot are, in fact, relatively minor (just two 90° F days). Still, in my part of the world when the mercury reaches 90° or over people freak out (that’s how we roll in the Pacific Northwest where meteorology is a contact sport). One of the things people do when it gets “hot” is head to one of our numerous lakes and rivers (apparently some people can’t endure a couple of hot days without a dip). Yet even though our air may be frickin’ hot, our lakes and rivers are still icy cold. Experts warn that despite 90° temps, you can still catch hypothermia in such cold water.

Not only is this a perfect illustration for people’s overreaction to relatively banal weather conditions, it’s also a perfect example of why temperance, caution and stability are important. There has to be an axiom or a proverb in here somewhere: just because the air is warm doesn’t mean the water is too. You must understand that even if it’s 100 degrees or 50 degrees, it’s not always wise to jump into a body water, especially if the only reason for your plunge is because your “hot.” Sometimes the most prudent action one can take is just being uncomfortable and suffering through the “hot” conditions. All you have to do to apply this model to other areas of your life is just substitute the key phrases. Just because you “love someone” doesn’t mean you should “dive into marriage.” Just because you like “Law and Order” doesn’t mean you should take the plunge and “become a police officer (or a district attorney…or their hot assistant).”

So the next time the mercury gets closer to 100 than to 50 think before you irrationally leap into the first body of water you see just because you think “you need to cool off.” Also, I should probably add—in the interest of full disclosure—I hate swimmers and all recreational activities concerning water, but still I think I have a valid point.

oldTV

All this week I’ll be looking at “oldTV.” That’s not television that’s old, but television that old people watch. This kind of television is generally marked by the following: lack of relevance, void of loud music, reaffirms the world has gone to hell and Sam Waterston.

Law and Order began airing on NBC back in 1990. It’s such an old show, you may have been too young when it debuted but are now old enough to watch it. Created by Dick Wolf, this completely inoffensive whodunit, that splits the show between police work and the court room, is every old person’s wet dream. Not too much police work (too much police work is confusing) and not too much courtroom drama (too much courtroom drama is confusing). No complicated character developments (who cares about what the characters do on their own time anyway) and no story archs (that way you can miss an episode and not be lost). Also, Jill Hennessy, Carey Lowell, Angie Harmon, Elizabeth Rohm and Alana de la Garza are the perfect eye candy for old dudes: pretty, young (but not too young that all fantasies are immediately deemed implausible) and fairly chaste looking.

The show spawned two successful spin-offs: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit in 1999 (that show is for old people with strong stomachs or perverse appetites) and Law and Order: Criminal Intent in 2001 (that show is for intellectual old people or old people who like to complain that Vincent D'Onofrio whispers too much).

Despite being part of the TV diet for old folks, the Law and Order franchise is incredibly well done. My personal favorite is Law and Order: Criminal Intent (I’m a huge Goren fan) but I’ve watch a lot of the Law and Order: SVU’s too (although that show can be a little intense. During an era of television where scripted shows flock towards CGI effects, sex and violence, Law and Order proves that great story telling still sells.

Law and Orders

This is a tip for all you old people out there who want the experience and knowledge you get from doing stuff, but you don’t want the hassle of actually doing stuff (and you don’t want to muster up the courage and optimism needed to do stuff). First, get yourself a significant other. Second, stay in a relationship with them for ten or more years. Then live vicariously through them. Since you know them so well (and after a decade or more, you have nothing to talk about other than the mind numbing minutia of everyday life) whatever they do, you do too! It’s great. My significant other lives a lot for me. You wouldn’t believe how much time I save by having her watch television shows, socializing with people and going out to eat—all stuff I can’t do because of hatred, malice and overwhelming fear. All that stuff she does, I feel like I do it too. Not only does she tell me all about it (I mean her mouth never stops) but we are so much alike that her opinions and descriptions of events would be the same as mine if had actually had the love in my heart to do something other than hate myself and watch Law and Orders. The time she saves me, I use to wallow in despair, devise new regrets and compose curses for people who are happy and productive.

L&O

Another sign you’re old is when you start to believing there is too much explicit content in the media (television, film, music, etc…). When you’re young, watching sex, violence and such decadent behavior is enjoyable and liberating, but when you grow old you realize that you hate having fun and want that crap off the airways—also television and movies with sex and violence tend to be loud and since you’re old, you no longer like loud things. I’m not advocating a new law or censorship; I just wish we, as a society, would, under our own accord, eliminate most of the sex, violence and decadence from the media. Except for my Law and Order; DON’T TOUCH MY L&O!