Law and Orders

This is a tip for all you old people out there who want the experience and knowledge you get from doing stuff, but you don’t want the hassle of actually doing stuff (and you don’t want to muster up the courage and optimism needed to do stuff). First, get yourself a significant other. Second, stay in a relationship with them for ten or more years. Then live vicariously through them. Since you know them so well (and after a decade or more, you have nothing to talk about other than the mind numbing minutia of everyday life) whatever they do, you do too! It’s great. My significant other lives a lot for me. You wouldn’t believe how much time I save by having her watch television shows, socializing with people and going out to eat—all stuff I can’t do because of hatred, malice and overwhelming fear. All that stuff she does, I feel like I do it too. Not only does she tell me all about it (I mean her mouth never stops) but we are so much alike that her opinions and descriptions of events would be the same as mine if had actually had the love in my heart to do something other than hate myself and watch Law and Orders. The time she saves me, I use to wallow in despair, devise new regrets and compose curses for people who are happy and productive.