GET OFF MY LAWN!

Super Bowl XLV Draws 111 Million Viewers

2011-02-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl XLV Draws 111 Million Viewers

Super Bowl XLV was the most watch television program of all-time. The nip-tuck game which saw the Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 drew 111 million viewers. I thought the game was great but why were the commercials so dang loud?

A 111 million people watched the Big Game and I think I ate enough food to feed about half of them. That's not unusual. I generally eat a lot during a football game and even more during the Super Bowl, but this year was different. This year, because I'm OLD, I'm not snapping back as quickly as I once snapped back. Nearly 36 hours after the Packers hoisted the Lombardi Trophy I'm still in recovery mode.

I woke up in the middle of the night and feeling what can only be described as hungover--but I had nary a drop of alcohol, just victuals. I was sweating for no reason, my throat was parched, and my stomach was doing cartwheels. I felt like I was going vomit.

I remember returning to bed and mentally chanting to myself, "you're not going to puke, you feel fine. You're not going to puke, you feel fine..." It was the same mantra I used when I had been over served. And in effect I had been "over served" but not with spirits, with snacks.

Hitherto, when I had overeaten, I would feel painfully full for a couple of hours before being able to resume to normal "stuffing of face." It's now Tuesday morning and I'm still full, still sick, and still looking at food with revolt and disgust. All I ate on Monday was dry toast and jello.

I suppose a day or two of eating like a nursing home resident will counter a football game's worth of excessive consumption. I just wish I could shake the constant nauseous feeling, the inability to maintain a comfortable body temperature, and the lovely stomach cramps.

This growing old stuff is worse than Christina Aguilera's rendition of the National Anthem.

North Dakota Legislators Look To Pass 'Stop Bullying' Legislation

2010-11-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

North Dakota Legislators Look To Pass 'Stop Bullying' Legislation

In the wake of a 16-year who hung herself over what authorities believe was relentless cyber bullying, North Dakota lawmakers will step up their efforts to pass anti-bullying laws.

North Dakota is one of nine states that doesn’t have laws against bullying.

Meanwhile, the Kansas State Board of Education is considering whether there should be a statewide anti-bullying policy.

If you watch the nightly news or the local news, and since I'm OLD that's all I watch, you'll likely see a story about bullying.

In fact, stopping bullying is all the rage. It's the cause du jour especially for people who only show compassion when it's cool.

However, they're wrong. Bullying does not need to stop. Bullying is as natural for kids as acme, braces, and unexpected erections.

The kids killing themselves because they are "bullied" either have other, more serious problems, or they weren't "bullied." They were actually assaulted or the victim of some other crime.

To put it another way, the mainstream media is covering this issue incorrectly. It's not a bullying issue, it's a criminal issue.

Kids will get bullied and kids will bully. It's the nature of things. There's the strong and there's the weak. The strong pick on the weak. It's humanity 101.

Besides, getting bullied is good. It toughens you up. All these efforts to stop bullying is just further proof that our society is becoming over feminized. That's just one of things you notice when growing old.

You learn valuable lessons from getting bullied and those lessons are indispensable once you grow old. After all, bullies exist in adulthood too (see SEIU members, DMV employees, Joy Behar, snow skiers, and MSNBC show hosts).

Young People Shouldn't Vote

2010-10-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

The biggest mid-term election in the history of humanity is Tuesday. It's a day when all eligible Americans can employ their greatest right--their right to vote. And with their vote they can change the course of history or keep the course the same.

With that being said I hope not everyone votes. No, I'm not one of those smarmy democrats, smug comedians, or cackling hens from The View who think voting registration should be based on your ability to name every MSNBC hosts. No, the only people I want to keep away from the polls are young people.

Young people shouldn't vote. They don't know anything. They have no wisdom. They have no experience. They think the coolest candidate is the best. They don't do any research. they don't read the voters pamphlet. They just vote for whoever Lady Gaga, Bono, or Jim J. Bullock tells them to vote for.

I don't know youth voting statistics but if I did I bet they would reveal that young people vote for all the wrong candidates. It would surely show that youths vote for candidates who raise taxes, increase taxes, and not lower taxes.

Look at the 2008 election. Every young person old enough to hang a chad was out there with their Obama jersey and their Barrack badges swooning at the Second Coming. Voting for him was supposed to be a transcendent moment. He was the Savior after all.

Fast forward two years and just about everyone who was in the Chosen One's corner is now running away. Hardly any of the democratic congressional incumbents are running on The One's legislative accomplishments, The Savior didn't unite the country he divided it further, thanks to The Messiah the terrorists not only hate us but they think we're a joke too, and the economy has only gotten worse.

Fortunately, his ascendancy caused most of those juvenile punks to learn a valuable life lesson. It's a lesson that OLD people already knew. That lesson is every election offers voters the choice between the lesser of two evils. There is no Savior. There are no candidates that can walk on Lake Michigan.

While the 2008 election had an historical element, never again will the annuals of history matter. From now on you're just voting for politicians. You were before but you were just too ignorant to realize.

That is why voter registration should be left to those who are old enough to remember The Rock as a wrestler, The Daily Show with Craig Kilborn, and Betty White before she was kitsch.

If we leave voting to the OLD people we might be able to avoid a repeat of 2008.

China Experiencing Monster Traffic Jam, May Last For Weeks

2010-08-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

China Experiencing Monster Traffic Jam, May Last For Weeks

I didn't really like them when I was YOUNG, but I especially hate them now that I'm OLD.

I am of course complaining about traffic jams. They are humanity's worst development, particularly congestion that arises from bad driving, auto accidents, and construction.

If I could change one thing about the world it would be, beyond on a shadow of doubt, the eradication of traffic jams.

It's the most counterproductive thing in the universe.

Driving a car is pathetically easy. If the few extra vehicles during rush hour causes you to slow down and/or panic, then you shouldn't be on the road. Instead you should be put in a "camp" for incompetent drivers (don't worry you'll get visitors every Tuesday and Thursday).

Laws should be changed to moderately punish drivers involved in traffic accidents. Those responsible (especially those that force ME to sit in traffic) should be made to pay all costs of emergency responders as well as an addition $3.2 million.

Then they should be flogged, tarred & feathered, and forced to listen to Arcade Fire for a week—you know, nothing to drastic.

Needless to say, highways, freeways and major arteries should never be worked on. They should be made from indestructible, weatherproof material that last forever.

Of course, while I've had some bad times sitting in traffic I've never experienced anything like what's going on in China.

Right now in Zhōngguó, there's a 60-mile long traffic jam on the four-lane Beijing-Tibet highway. Trucks move less than a mile a day. Some have been stuck in the mess for five days.

The standstill stretches from Beijing to Mongolia. I have no idea have far Beijing is from Mongolia but anything that stretches to Mongolia is fricking long.

Chinese traffic aficionados believe the snarl could last up to a month. Needless to say, 15 minutes after the traffic jam clears up drivers will be ready more.

The good news: motorists are behaving themselves and there have been no reports of road rage.

However, the locals are taking advantage of the situation by selling food and water for exorbitant amounts of yens. But that's why they are the second biggest economy in the world, yo.

No one has brought in any Honeybuckets, so commuters are forced to either hike to service areas or do their business in the fields. No word on what they do for twosies.

Many of the vehicles are carrying fruits and vegetables and their holds are unrefrigerated. Needless to say the smell is a bit rank.

Whoever caused the backup should lose their job.

Basically, it's hell on Earth.

'Barefoot Bandit' Dislikes Attention, Doesn't Want Movie Deal

2010-08-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

'Barefoot Bandit' Dislikes Attention, Doesn't Want Movie Deal

One of the signs of being OLD is rooting for the cops to shoot suspects instead of apprehending them.

Basically, when you're OLD you want every episode of Cops to end with the shirtless guy getting hauled off to the morgue, not hauled off to jail.

So it goes without saying that I wanted the Colton Harris-Moore, the infamous "Barefoot Bandit," taken dead not alive.

I mean just look at the kid's picture. He's the text book definition of a "punk."

Even if he wasn't in police custody, even if he was an upstanding human being who read to the blind and baked cookies for lepers, his photo would still inspire intense hatred and violent tendencies.

The 19-year-old hoodlum allegedly stole planes, luxury cars, and yachts and in doing so eluded law enforcement for 2-years. He was finally apprehended, safely, in the Bahamas.

For some reason, his crime wave made him a hero to thongs of dolts and neanderthals on the internet. Sadly, there are way too many people in this world of such diabolically low character that they can't help but to romanticize and idealize criminals.

There you have it. What more could you want in villain?

Well, in true CHM fashion he "zigs" just when you think he'll "zag:" the kid doesn't want his story told and he doesn't like the attention he's getting.

"He wanted me to give the message to the public that what he did was not romantic, that he shouldn't be a role model," said his lawyer John Henry Browne. "He actually doesn't like the attention he is getting."

Damn you CHM! Just when I was about to throw darts at your picture you wax philosophically through your lawyer.

"He felt if he told [his story] or gave it away, it would no longer be his story," continued Browne. "Almost like, if you look in a mirror, your soul is stolen. It was really interesting."

The kid broke the law and he must pay for that, but at least he's not compounding what he did wrong but whoring himself out to Hollywood.

It's obvious that Colton-Harris Moore has more character than his criminal-worshiping fans. Too bad he didn't have enough character to keep himself out of prison.

Of course, being that I'm OLD I'm also cynical. These musings could actually be laying the groundwork for his defense and not at all a testament of his sagacious conscience. Time will only tell.

Mel Gibson Caught Ranting & Raving At Ex Oksana Grigorieva

2010-07-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Mel Gibson Caught Ranting & Raving At Ex Oksana Grigorieva

Mel Gibson was caught on tape yelling at his former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva in a soliloquy rich in profanity and racist remarks.

GET OFF MY LAWN! must warn readers that this article contains dashes which might offend some readers.

On the tapes, recorded by Grigorieva to prove Gibson's lunacy, the The Man Without a Face star frequently refers to Grigorieva as a "wh--e," "c--t" and "b----h," according to RadarOnline.com.

Here's a larger transcript of the What Women Want star's rant:

You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a f---ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n----rs, it will be your fault... I am going to come and burn the f---ing house down. How dare you act like such a b---h when I have been so f---ing nice?

Grigorieva, 40, claims Gibson, 54, hit her and knocked out some of her teeth. Needless to say, she has filed a restraining order against the Bird on a Wire star.

Sadly these two have an 8-month old daughter.

The best part, at least according to the website is when Grigorieva is called a "b---h" by the Attack Force Z star and she responds, "I didn't do anything." Then the Tequila Sunrise star replies, "Did so."

One of the perks about getting OLD is the ability to rant and rave like a lunatic. However, the Edge of Darkness star broke all the rules concerning the OLD man rant.

Those rules are you can't be abusive, you can't be hateful, and you can't use racist slurs.

He also omitted several key features of the OLD man rant.

One, you have to include at least one non sequitur. You have to say something that makes no sense. Like "butter is frothing the tires" or "forget the hamper since pigeons are crusty" or "lubricated raspberries and maudlin areoles."

Secondly, you can be racist but only if your racism is completely harmless. Meaning, you can only say stuff that is so absurd the targeted race wouldn't find it offensive. "Albanians are bad bus drivers!" "Indians never take the brownie from the corner of the pan!" "Columbians always wear ill-fitting galoshes."

Thirdly, you have to eject spittle from your mouth, move your arms around incongruously, and if possible, sometime during your rant ensure that your hair becomes disheveled.

Finally, and this has nothing to do with the OLD man rant, but never ever ever ever ever yell at women named Oksana. It's like yelling at a woman named Sophia, Jasmine, Gabrielle or Swapnasundari.

Toy Story 3: Pixar's Biggest Movie Since Time Immemorial

2010-06-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Toy Story 3: Pixar's Biggest Movie Since Time Immemorial

Toy Story 3 not only won the weekend box office, but it was also Pixel's or Pixar's or Paxson's—whatever the studio is called—biggest opening weekend since the beginning of the universe.

I care so little about that movie that I'm not going to bother with the proper research. This apathy of mine is fueled by my utter distaste of kids movies, kids, and movies.

Speaking of kids, the other day, as I was walking by a park, I noticed a kid wearing a cape.

That got me to thinking that one of the only really good things about being a kid was being able to wear a cape.

When you're young, wearing capes is socially acceptable. When you're OLD, wearing a cape just makes you creepy OLD guy wearing a cape.

If I had it to do all over again, my childhood wardrobe would be nothing but capes.

I would have a short cape, a medium cape, and a long cape.

I would have a cape with a large collar and a cape with a short collar.

I would have a cape that's attaches to my sleeves and a cape with a hood.

My closet would be cape-centric.

In fact, everyday my outfit would consist of shoes with lights in the heel, blue jeans, multi-colored shirts baring designs of trucks, and capes.

O, to be young and a cape fancier.

Sadly, I'm OLD and therefore must attend an adult movie wearing a boring cardigan, or a banal windbreaker, or worse yet, a pedestrian polyfill coat with a fly-front.

World Cup 2010 Being Ruined By Vuvuzela

2010-06-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

The humming noise you're hearing while watching the 2010 FIFA World Cup is made by a vuvuzela.

A vuvuzela is a long, thin plastic horn that some fans blow from the moment they enter the stadium until long after the final whistle sounds.

You can't change its pitch or its timbre, just its volume.

Someone with too much time on their hands broke out a decibel meter and found that a vuvuzela produce a sound between 113 decibels to 131 decibels.

So far the vuvuzelas have been the story of the World Cup.

Fans in the stands and at home have found the humming noise produced by the vuvuzelas annoying.

However, if you stopped watching the match between the U.S. and England because of the vuvuzela, guess what? You're OLD.

Nothing says you're old like changing the channel because you can't stand a sound.

If you can't endure the hum of the vuvuzela, or tune it out, for 90 minutes you're OLD.

It's the world's biggest sporting event. It only comes once every four years. How can you let a little noise shoo you away? Well, you can if you're OLD.

The only thing that's more of an indicator of OLDNESS than being unable to tolerate the vuvuzeals is if you've watch every World Cup game and have no idea what sound I'm talking about.

Portland Rose Festival's Grand Floral Parade

2010-06-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

Portland Rose Festival's Grand Floral Parade

Despite being OLD and crotchety, I try to have an open mind.

For instance, I don't want a tattoo, but if you want one go ahead.

I don't like watching soccer, but if you like the World Cup than that's fine.

However, there is one event that I can not be so open-minded about and that's parades.

I mention this because today is the Rose Festival's Grand Floral Parade, an annual event in Portland, Oregon.

It's schlock that's worse than a root-canal. I'd rather watch a beheading than one second of that god-awful trek of rosa.

If you attend a parade, or worse yet, watch one on television you have a mental deficiency.

Ever since the demise of radio, the parade has been the worst form of entertainment known to man.

How can you possible give up a large portion of your day to watch people walk in the middle of the road?

The only difference between a parade and the line at the movie theater is marching band music.

Yes, I know parades have floats but aren't those things usually made by PTA members and volunteers? Sorry, I don't care to look at anything made by housewives and/or the retired.

Don't give me the excuse that you only attend parades for your kids. You're the parent. You're the boss. And besides that's what the word "no" is for.

Perhaps my utter dislike of parades makes me closed-minded but I really don't care. There is no insult you can hurl that will ever make me reevaluate my opinion about parades.

Helen Thomas Retires Due To Remarks About Israel

2010-06-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

Helen Thomas Retires Due To Remarks About Israel

Helen Thomas, who is 89-years-old and has covered 10 presidents as a White House reporter, has recently retired due to some inflammatory remarks she made about Israel that were caught on camera.

The Middle Earth-looking journalist said Israeli Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine" and "go home" to Germany, Poland and America.

Worse yet, she said this to a rabbi who was accompanied by his 17-year-old son and a friend, both of whom were wearing yarmulkes.

Oy vey!

As someone who is OLD this is very distressing.

No, we're not talking about her disdain for a major American alley, or her disparaging comments about a thriving democracy surrounded by a cesspool of tyranny, or the revealing of her anti-Semitism.

What's distressing about this incident is Thomas is OLD and she was punished for speaking crazy.

Crazy speech, especially slightly racist crazy speech, is one of the perks of being OLD.

If you're OLD and you can't talk crazy then what's the point? It's one of the few perks of being OLD. You have crazy speech, eating dinner at 4pm, and defecating in your pants.

And as we all know, society has no use for the OLD anyway--they are obsolete, slow, and they don't buy products sold on primetime television.

The OLD have nothing new to offer and nothing new to proclaim.

So why should anyone care what they have to say?

It's a sad day in America when an 89-year-old is held accountable for the crazy things she says. Getting OLD is becoming more and more arduous every day.

MLB Commissioner Won't Reverse Joyce's Call And Award Galarraga Perfection

2010-06-04T02:47:00.000-07:00

MLB Commissioner Won't Reverse Joyce's Call And Award Galarraga Perfection

On Thursday, June 3, 2010, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said he would not over turn umpire Jim Joyce's call and award Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game.

The night before, June 2, 2010, Joyce blew a call at first base that would have been the final out of Galarraga's perfect game. Instead, Galarraga finished with a 1-hitter and a 3-0 complete game victory over the Cleveland Indians.

Obviously, the commissioner doesn't want to set a precedent of overturning umpire calls but in this case he missed an opportunity.

What he should have done is announced that he would announce a decision on Monday. That way, people could discuss this issue for four days.

Then on Monday, he should have awarded Galarraga his perfect game.

There have been two perfect games thrown this year. Name the pitchers?

You can't.

In fact, there have been 20 perfect games in the history of baseball and unless you're an ardent fan you can't name one of the pitchers (with the exception of maybe Don Larsen who threw his in the World Series).

While they are rare, perfect games and no-hitters are overrated especially when it comes to promoting the sport.

The commissioner missed an opportunity to promote his league and make Galarraga a household name or something close.

Overriding the call would have had zero effect on the standings while meaning a lot to Galarraga, the Tigers and their fans. And if you're worried about setting the wrong precedent then that's what the word "no" is for.

Bono's Bad Back Postpones U2's 2010 North American Tour

2010-05-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Bono's Back Postpones U2's North American Tour

You know you're OLD when the rockers of your youth start suffering from the same aliments that plague your grandparents.

These lame aliments involve mucous, puss, and phlegm and they need rehabilitation that requires canes, walkers, and trusses.

One such victim of this phenomenon was hitherto the coolest frontman on the face of the Earth.

On May 21, 2010 U2's Bono underwent emergency back surgery.

"Am I bugging you? I didn't mean to bug you," said Bono's back to Bono.

Surgery went well but Bono will need eight weeks to recover and U2's North American tour was postponed to 2011.

In a split-second Bono went from desirable rock star to Uncle Paul with the achin' back.

Meanwhile, Poison's Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage, a stroke, and a hole in his heart.

"Don't need nothing but hemorrhage, how can I get rid of this?"

When you're young your contemporaries suffer from romantic aliments like overdoses, car accidents, and suicides.

But when you're OLD they suffer from embarrassing ails like bad backs, strokes, and getting holes in internal organs.

To make matters worse, Bono and Bret Michaels probably take medication from one of those containers that are labeled with the days of the week.

It's perfectly acceptable if a rocker is in rehab. It's sad if the rocker needs a geriatrician.

Texas Bus Driver Has Run-In With Baby in Road

2010-05-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

Texas Bus Driver Has Run-In With Baby in Road

It was just after midnight when Texas bus driver Mike Hubbard, during his usual route through San Antonio, saw something moving in the road up ahead.

Believing it was a critter, Hubbard slowed the bus down. As he approached the moving figure in the middle of the road he realized that it wasn't a dog or a cat or a opossum or a tarsier, but a far more sinister creature, a baby.

"I couldn't tell if he was eating something or not. But, his eyes got real big when he saw the big old bus in front of him," Hubbard told Texas news station WOAI-TV.

Hubbard slammed on the breaks and stopped just inches in front of the befuddled babe.

Then, out of nowhere, the father appeared. He grabbed the tot off the blacktop, and with nary a word, returned to the cover of darkness.

This scene, which was captured by the bus' on board camera, is disheartening, disconcerting, and disgusting. It underscores a major problem in our society. The irresponsible act is both a pocks on humanity and a sign of the depravity to which we have sunk.

That's because allowing small children to roam freely onto our roads and streets is the perfect recipe for traffic jams.

We all have important places to go, we all are in a rush, we don't need babies in the road slowing us down.

I can't get from point A to point B if I have to dodge someone's half naked baby
I can't go fast in my Viper dodging babies wearing diapers.

Hopefully local law enforcement cited the baby's parents (and the baby for that matter) for their inconsiderate behavior towards our country's infrastructure.

Bottom line, nothing slows down a commute like a baby in the roadway.

Mothers of Americans Held in Iran Return to US

2010-05-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

The mothers of the three Americans held in Iran are set to be back in the U.S. Saturday after visiting their spies children.

Their children are Sarah Shourd (31), her boyfriend Shane Bauer (27), and their friend Josh Fattal (27). The trio has been held in Iran on accusations of espionage.

In July of 2009 Iranian officials detained the trio while they were hiking in the mountains of the northern Kurdish region along the Iranian-Iraqi border.

Meanwhile, Jamie and Melissa Jeffers, an Oregon couple honeymooning in Thailand cut their month-long vacation short because of violence. Not domestic violence but violence resulting from political protests in Thailand.

These stories beg the question, "what in the hell were you thinking?"

Why would you vacation in these god awful, war-torn, sex-trading, unstable countries, especially Iraq?

If being OLD has taught me one thing its don't vacation in countries hosting wars that border countries with a history of hostage taking.

In fact, now that I am OLD I wouldn't vacation anywhere that didn't speak English or the city of Paris. That's it. Those are the only destinations you should ever plan on visiting.

I understand that places like Iraq and Thailand are beautiful and racked with history, but do you really need to spend your vacation in countries where their main sport is dodging bullets?

I understand that the overwhelming majority of the world's citizens are kind and peace loving, but do you really need to visit a country where most of the work force's annual salary is less than what you spend on your inflatables?

Sure, most of the vacationers who visit these forsaken lands return, but is your vacay really the time to play Russian Roulette with the natives?

One more thing, going to places like Iraq and Thailand is the traveling equivalent of having a ferret for a pet. It's a cry for attention and screams, "look at me I'm different."

Meh!

I'm going to Vegas where my life won't be in jeopardy and my money will be safe.

Michelle Obama Host Mother's Day Tea At White House

2010-05-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

On Friday, May 7, 2010, First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a Mother’s Day Tea at the White House. Her distinguished guests were the mothers, daughters, and granddaughters of those that had previously resided at Pennsylvania Avenue.

During her speech, Mrs. Obama got emotional when she described the “beautiful experience” of raising her daughters.

Personally, I think mothers are overrated.

When confronted with the evidence that my mother gave me life, I always reply, "I never asked to be born."

However, that's neither here nor there. A more compelling topic is what precisely should we celebrate on Mother's Day?

On Mother's Day, should we celebrate all mother's or just our mother?

Now that I'm OLD, I realize that Mother's Day should be a vertical celebration, not an horizontal one. That means you celebrate your mother and/or grandmother not people you know that are mothers.

You take your mom to brunch. You don't take your sister who is a mother to brunch.

You give your grandmother a card. You don't give your cousin who is a mother a card.

Why?

We should celebrate mothering, the verb, not being a mother, the noun. Anyone can be a mother, only a few actually excel at it.

You could make the case that doing both is a possibility however the unique and odd relationship between mother and offspring makes that difficult, i.e. its creepy to celebrate the mothering exploits of someone that's not your mother.

Besides, you can honor other mothers besides your own with a simple and cheap, "Happy Mother's Day" greeting.

And that brings us to the ultimate reason why Mother's Day should be a vertical celebration, buying cards for every mother you know is too expensive!

Times Square Suspect, Faisal Shahzad Apprehended On Plane

2010-05-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

Times Square Suspect, Faisal Shahzad Apprehended On Plane

On Monday, Faisal Shahzad, the suspect in the attempted Times Square bombing, was allowed to board a plane at JFK, bound for the United Arab Emirates.

Shahzad reserved his ticket on the way to the airport (Priceline rocks), paid with cash once he arrived, and then clear security.

He had almost made it but a Customs and Border Protection official saw his name on a list and turned back the plane.

This harrowing incident is sobering. It should come as a wake up call to both the OLD and the young. It should remind all of us that we seldom include terrorists in our "person you least want to sit next to on a plane" list.

Generally, babies and fat people go one two; talkative, creepy guys with mustaches are third, Starbucks employees are fourth, and psychotic, murderous, sadistic clowns are fifth, but if you think about it terrorist should really top the list.

First of all, there's nothing to talk about with a terrorist. They're righteous and you're an infidel. It's like the Odd Couple with falafels.

You certainly can't talk about politics. Sports is out of question because you really don't follow the Professional Beheading Tour or the Indoor Stoning League.

You certainly can't talk about music or movies--the fact Britney Spears shows her belly button and Tina Fey drives a car is why they hates us in the first place.

I suppose you could always talk about how peaceful their religion is.

Not all the time, but most of the time, terrorists stink. Think about, they are a)either on their way to blow something up (so why bother with the cologne) or b)they just left a cave (and we all know how hard it is to concentrate on hygiene when you're living in a dark, dank place).

Then there's the whole bomb thing. Meaning, they may be a blast but not in a good way. The only bomb a baby (or for that matter a fat person) is going to detonate will be in their diaper not in their shoes.

Yes, if being OLD has taught me one thing it's the person you least want to sit next to on a plane is a terrorist.

Noah's Ark Found on Turkish Mountaintop

2010-04-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

Noah's Ark Found on Turkish Mountaintop

A group of evangelical explorers claim they've discovered wooden remains on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey that are from Noah's Ark.

According to them, carbon dating proves the relics are 4,800 years old. That age corresponds to the alleged era of Noah's Ark and Larry King's senior year of high school

Mount Ararat has long been consider the resting place of Noah's Ark--the biblical seafaring vessel Noah built to rescue two of every animal from a flood created by God to kill sinners.

"It's not 100 percent that it is Noah's Ark, but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it," said Yeung Wing-Cheung of the Noah's Ark Ministries International research team.

The desire to find the Ark of Noah is a) to land chicks and b) to prove the literalness of the bible.

"The significance of this find is that for the first time in history the discovery of Noah’s Ark is well documented and revealed to the worldwide community. There’s a tremendous amount of solid evidence that the structure found on Mount Ararat in Eastern Turkey is the legendary Ark of Noah.” - Dutch Ark researcher Gerrit Aalten

Without examining the artifacts myself, I know (with all due respect)that the Noah's Ark Ministries International has not found Noah's ark.

One of the many by-products of being OLD, and one of the few that doesn't involve phlegm, is knowing that fun stuff like Noah's Ark doesn't exist in the real world.

It's just how the universe works. You want female lizards who can reproduce without sperm or a chimpanzee that knows sign language? Bam! you got it. You want a boat that carried two of every animal during a world wide flood 4,800 years ago? Fail!

The Loch Ness Monster, the Holy Grail, Big Foot, the Shroud of Turin, ancient aliens, crop circles, moderate liberals, a second gunmen, Atlantis, and the Bermuda Triangle are all things that either don't exist, or don't exist as indicated by conspiracy theories or the 1970's show In Search Of.

The aforementioned items are fascinating to discuss but only the young intellect thinks they are real or even possible or should only be mentioned when fully clothed and not inside a male-only sauna.

After all, legends and myths are just that. Stories invented to show the banality of our existence.

"Our world sucks. I hate it," I say in my best pouting voice as I kick the ground in frustration.

When you're OLD you are resigned to the fact that the only interesting crap in this snoozer of a universe is shit like the miracle of life, the wonder of language, and sublimeness of mathematics.

B to the O to the R to the I to the N to the G.

SEC Responds To Porn Surfing Report

2010-04-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

SEC Responds To Porn Surfing Report

Recently, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) responded to reports of senior staffers surfing porn while the country suffered an economic collapse.

Their retort was hardly satisfactory. They basically said the story is old news and reforms have already been instituted.

That's not exactly addressing the issue, but it's a response nonetheless.

"Each of the offending employees has been disciplined or is in the process of being disciplined. Some have already been suspended or dismissed. While any misuse of government resources is always a concern, since February we have further increased penalties. We will not tolerate the transgressions of the very few who bring discredit to their thousands of hardworking colleagues." - SEC spokesman John Nester

The uproar over the SEC's internet browser history comes on the heels of criticism from Republicans over the timing of the commission's lawsuit against Goldman Sachs.

Politics is obvious at play here but the real question is why would anyone look at porn while at work?

I ask this question not because porn is morally wrong, or gross, or inappropriate, but because at work you can't "do anything about."

And if becoming OLD has taught me anything it's don't start something you can't finish.

What possible benefit is there from looking at milkers.com or hairyandscary.com when at anytime the boss could ask you for the quarterly report?

Does logging onto misterfister.com really make that afternoon meeting go faster?

It seems obvious that porn at work would be a major source of frustration not satisfaction.

Look at it this way, I don't want to smell a tasty, juicy steak if I can't eat it. I don't want to sit in front of a cold, frosty beer if I can't drink it. I don't want to look at porn if I can't... well, you know.

Now the SEC offenders were at the senior level so maybe they had an office. I will admit a private office at work is a bit of a grey-area but ultimately porn should be saved for private moments at home.

If you're giving your porn viewing a "happy ending" at work then your internet habits are the least of your worries.

President Obama Spent Earth Day Polluting

2010-04-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

President Obama Spent Earth Day Polluting

On Earth Day, which was April 22nd, President Obama spoke at a Des Moines, Iowa plant that makes towers for wind turbins.

The President's 1,800 mile trip to and from Des Moines burned 9,116 gallons of fuel. That does not include the gasoline used by the motorcade and all the various support vehicles.

So much for being Earth friendly.

Then again the tale enumerated above sums up the entire environmental movement. The message calling on others to save the Earth is often delivered in a way that's as damaging as the forces the message claims is putting the Earth in peril.

Bottom line, Earth Day, which is now four decades old, and the movement associated with it, is a joke.

It's nothing more than a way for socialist and anti-capitalist forces to redistribute wealth and to tell people how to live.

Us puny humans are in no way going to destroy the Earth. We couldn't if we tried.

Look at the recent eruption of Mt. Eyjafjallajokull in Iceland. That little volcano puffs a little bit, sends a smidgen of ash into the atmosphere, and the world's air travel nearly comes to a screeching halt.

Yeah, and my 12 mpg SUV is going to destroy the world.

Over the past year, scientists supporting the myth of global warming have been revealed as charlatans, liars, and cheats.

Again, more proof that modern environmentalism is a punchline.

The resources on our planet have been put here for us to use. Humans subjugate the environment not the other way around. It's kinda the basis for civilization.

Yes we should be respectable of our environment. Yes, we should recycle, conserve, and preserve. But whenever humans and the environment clash, humanity should win.

We need practical environmentalism even if such a notion is deemed OLD.

Arizona Passes Tough Immigration Enforcement Bill

2010-04-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Arizona lawmakers have sent a bill with some of the toughest immigration enforcement provisions in the country to the desk of Governor Jan Brewer.

If signed into law it would give the Copper State fuzz new powers to arrest and charge alleged illegal aliens.

Immigration can be used as an indicator for young and OLD.

When you're young, you don't care who comes to the United States or how they entered the country.

When you're OLD, you want illegal aliens rounded up and shipped back to wherever it is they they came from.

Young people always say is "we're all immigrants" or "we all immigrated to America." That's not true. I was born and raised in America. I have done no immigrating in my life time.

One of the main criterion of OLD is being an ardent immigration foe.

The OLD detest anyone breaking the law (which illegal aliens do) and harangue illegal aliens for draining public resources (which they also do).

It has nothing to do with hatred or racism. It has to do with obeying the law.

The bill in question will allow police to arrest illegal aliens for failing to show documents that prove they are in the country legally.

Opponents of the bill argue that certain groups of people will be targeted by police and harassed. Basically, you'll be left alone if you look like Phil Mickelson but forced to show papers if you if you look like Ubaldo Jimenez.

The fear is completely unfounded. Besides, shouldn't we be more concerned with protecting the laws of the United States and less concerned with upsetting the feelings of law breakers.

President Obama Skips Funeral To Play Golf

2010-04-19T06:11:00.000-07:00

President Obama Skips Funeral To Play Golf

Mount Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano, has pumped so much ash into the air over Europe that thousands of flights have been canceled.

One of those flights involved President Obama. He was set to travel to Poland on April 18, 2010 to attend the state funeral of the nation's president and first lady.

Unable to attend the funeral, Obama played golf instead.

(By the way, Obama has golfed 32 times since taking office in January of 2009. President Bush golfed just 24 times during his entire eight years in office).

Regardless how much you disapprove of Obama's regime, you have to admit golfing during the time when you were supposed to be at a funeral is rather insensitive.

Certainly the President needs leisure time but he's also the leader of the free world. Everything he does is watched, scrutinized, and critiqued.

However, the situation does raise a very good question and one that we can all relate too: Have you ever done something frivolous when you should have been mourning a tragedy?

For instance, you learn that a distant-family member has died and then spend the rest of the evening playing Scoops on your iPhone.

Tragedy strikes the nation but instead of watching wall-to-wall coverage on one of a half-of-dozen news networks you throw yourself a Paul Rudd movie-marathon.

Granted, you have a level of anonymity the President doesn't have and can therefore get away with such callous displays.

Yet, if the privacy of being home alone was removed you would certainly be embarrassed if everyone knew the moments after Great Aunt Martha's death you were shopping at Sephora.com.

According to those who know such things, in times of grief we are to stare out the window and contemplate the meaning of life, we are NOT to play Wii Sports Resort.

I, of course, flog myself and recite inspirational haikus. Ah, who am I kidding, It's World of Warcraft.

Icelandic Eruptions May Disrupt Air Traffic For Months

2010-04-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

Icelandic Eruptions May Disrupt Air Traffic For Months

Ash from volcanic eruptions in Iceland has forced the cancellations of thousands of flights to and from Europe. Experts warn that the eruptions may last for months.

Canceled flights cost airlines about $200 million a day.

This is quite a fascinating story as it combines two of the world's most interesting topics: volcanology and flight cancellations.

However, the best part of the tale is the 5,466-foot volcano that is spewing flight-canceling ash into the sky is named Eyjafjallajokull.

Eyjafjallajokull is actually the volcano's name; my cat didn't just walk across my keyboard.

Eyjafjallajokull is so hard to pronounce its pronunciation key needs a pronunciation key.

Don't expect your local anchor person to say Eyjafjallajokull it might kill them.

By the way, Eyjafjallajokull means "island-mountains-glacier." It's just west of a large glacier called Mýrdalsjökull.

In my OLD age, I don't think I've ever seen a name like Eyjafjallajokull. It looks less like an actual name and more like 15 random Scrabble titles or a word jumble created by a mad linguist.

Eyjafjallajokull is just the tip of the iceberg. In the article I used for this blog entry, the following tongue-spraining, spellchecker-busting names were used: Armann Hoskuldsson, Gudmundur Gudmundsson, Omar Valdimarsson and Barry Grommett.

"Barry!" Those Icelanders have such weird names.

British Clothing Store Stops Selling Padded Bikini Tops For Seven Year-Old Girls

2010-04-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

British Clothing Store Stops Selling Padded Bikini Tops For Seven Year-Old Girls

Primark, a British clothing store like Old Navy, recently stopped selling padded bikini tops for girls as young as seven-years old.

Don't worry the matching thongs are still available in black, gold, and pink.

Primark Statement:
"Primark has taken note of the concern this morning regarding the sale of certain bikini tops for girls, a product line that sells in relatively small quantities. The company has stopped the sale of this product line with immediate effect. Primark will donate all the profits made from this product line to a children's charity, and apologises to customers for any offence caused."

It gets worse. The padded tops copied a halterneck style made popular by model and sex kitten Katie Price.

We give a pass to seven-year old girls who wanted one of this padded tops. They are too young to know what they are doing.

They are also too young to actually buy one of these things. Therefore we put all the blame on the sick and twisted parents who plopped down good money for this garbage.

Any parent who bought one of these disgusting garments for their daughter, much less their seven-year-old daughter, should receive a liberal dose of slap-to-the-face therapy.

Padded bikini tops sexualize whoever is wearing them meaning they should never be worn by children.

NEVER. EVER. NEVER.

Children need to be protected from this type of evil. They will have plenty of time to be sexualized when they get OLD.

Local Family Man Wanted For Murder

2010-04-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

Local Family Man Wanted For Murder

Often when there is a murder (especially one that rips a community apart) the news media likes to interview the alleged murderer's family.

Inevitably, family members are shocked over the diabolical news and claim the alleged murderer couldn't possibly do such a heinous act. They know him as a gentle man.

Their reaction is pure folly of youth.

When you're young, you see the good in everyone. Love and affection blind you from your family members' faults (and trust me they have a bunch of them).

To a young person, family can do no wrong and if they do happen to falter, they can't possibly be blamed.

When you are OLD you not only realize that you family is incredibly fallible but they also very capable of murder, especially of one another.

That's why when you hear family members proclaim a relative's innocence you laugh in disgust or chortle in distain.

What you really want them to say is: "She's guilty as hell. I always knew she would do this someday. Have you heard what's going to happen to her car?"

Being OLD provides you with the wisdom to know that for an individual to partake in the evil act of murder they either need to be void of emotion or extremely emotional.

And as we all know, those two extremes dictate every family interaction.

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

2010-04-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

When I was really young, "ass" was a swear word. You couldn't say it on television or at school--the two main arbiters of what is and isn't permissible.

Once, I remember a precocious friend of mind showing me the soul of his "GASS" shoes during an assembly at the school's library. He covered the letter "G" with his hand and we all snickered.

Back than, "ass" was a funny word.

When I got a little bit OLDER, friends of mine used the phrase "kick ass" to highlight something positive.

"That VHS tape is kick ass," said Mike.

"The new Genesis game is kick ass," said Jennifer.

While the phrase was fun to say, it was still only uttered amongst friends. It wasn't something you said to your grandmother or Aunt Eunice or the lady at Hi-School Pharmacy.

Now that I'm OLD, Hollywood has released a mainstream movie called "Kick Ass." So in my lifetime, "ass" has gone from a swear word to a movie title.

The word doesn't "offend" my sensibilities. I've heard far worse. However, I do find the word quite coarse and its use quite lazy.

Not only that, but it's a gateway curse. Before we know it, a mainstream movie will have the "F-word" or the "C-word" or the "J-word" in its title.

Again, I've heard them all but do we really need those type of words popping up in the titles of mainstream movie? Aren't we better than that?

Look at it this way: the words "snot," "booger," and "poop" aren't swear words but I wouldn't put them in the title of my movie.

I would hope to show more imagination.

Kick Ass is set for release on April 16.

Obama Announces New Nuclear Strategy, Critics Say U.S. More Vulnerable

2010-04-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

Obama Announces New Nuclear Strategy, Critics Say U.S. More Vulnerable

President Obama has reversed 65 years of U.S. Nuclear policy and eliminated the nation's deterrence capacity.

There was a day when I would have been extremely pleased at news of this sort, say when I was seven or eight.

Now that I'm old, I find this news downright frightening. I believe it has emboldened our enemies and put America and the world at risk.

The United States has removed the threat of a nuclear response without getting anything in return. Furthermore, the president's decision has diminished the nation's ability to protect itself.

When I was young, I experienced countless sleepless nights worrying about the Soviet Union and nuclear war. When my head wasn't filled with mushroom clouds and radiation burns I was convinced the Russians were going to land in my backyard and snatch me out of my bedroom.

Now that I'm old I realize the reason why the Russians didn't attack America (Red Dawn style) and why we had avoided a nuclear war--we had nuclear weapons.

These powerful and devastating weapons don't start wars they prevent them. They don't take lives they save them.

Wisdom teaches that peace comes from being armed not from being unarmed. Deterrents always work, disarming seldom does.

So here's to the return of nightmares. The Russians invading and snatching myself from my bedroom is now a distinct possibility.

Neal McDonough Fired For Saying No To Simulated Sex

2010-04-02T21:51:00.001-07:00

I recently read an article about an actor named Neal McDonough, he was fired for refusing to participate in a sex scene.

The well-written and extremely cogent article, sided with McDonough and claimed sex scenes were gratuitous because they almost always have nothing to do with a television show's or a movie's plot.

The tenor of the article disparaged sex scenes less on moral grounds and more on the fact that they were a bad story telling device.

However, the article was so finely composed that it made me realized that I honestly and truly find sex scenes "oogie."

That's right I've become so OLD that I find images two attractive people having sex repulsive (of course, I always found images of unattractive people having sex repulsive).

What has happened to myself?

There was a time when I wouldn't watch a movie unless there was at least one devil's three way. I even wanted uglies tapped in a Muppets movie. Now that I'm old, I can't even stand the sight (or smell) of fornication.

Finding softcore porn objection, just another causalty of becoming OLD.

Dishes

2010-03-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

When I was young, it was a miracle if after eating dinner I placed my dirty plate in the sink. It was a once in a year occurrence that I actually put my plate in the dishwasher.

My parents had to beg, plead, cajole, bribe, threaten, and performed songs from a Broadway show to get me to do the dishes. I hated cleaning dirty pots and pans to such a degree, you would have thought I was allergic to generic, hard-on-the-skin, dishwashing soap.

Perhaps my parents were too lenient, perhaps I was too lazy, but my youth was basically figuring out ways to get girls and how to avoid doing the dishes. Sadly, I failed miserably at the first task and succeeded greatly at the second.

Now that I'm old I love doing the dishes. It's is not only a passion but it's become a hobby. Having all the dishes cleaned and put away is almost orgasmic (yes, I finally got a girl and she loves the fact that I do the dishes).

Washing dishes has usurp watching television, playing video games, surfing the internet, and modeling (now I see why it took me so long to find a girl).

The feel of a soapy brush in my hand is a primeval rush. My obsession with washing dishes is solely a part of my elder years. I never would have been this dishwashing-friendly as a youth. I was a dishwashingist.

If I only knew then what I know now, I would have been more eager to wash dishes as young man. I regret all the practice I missed out on. Just think of how fast I would be at washing dishes today?

Rebelling

2010-03-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

"Stick it to the man!"
"Fight the power!
"Speaking truth to power."

It's called rebelling, and as a youth it was integral to your daily life. Every thing you did, say, and wore was for the purpose of rebelling. You didn't really examine why you were rebelling you just did it. It was the cool thing to do and to do otherwise put you at risk of being a conformist. And being a conformist was worse than anything even being a Waver.

However, when you're old rebelling loses all of its luster. It takes far too much energy, time, and commitment to pull off. It's easier to skip the rebelling and go shopping at Ikea. They have $100 couches.

Through experience you've come to learn that most of the stuff you rebelled against when you were young isn't really that bad now that you're old.

Basically, "The Man" isn't evil at all, just demanding and stinking of stale cologne. Sure, he can get a little grumpy at times, but at the end of the day he wants the same things you do: an iPhone and the chance to watch the Tori Spelling movie marathon on Lifetime.

When you're old and you come across young people rebelling and all you can do is smirk. You know that their rebelliousness is vapid, meaningless, and pretentious.

Age teaches that true rebellion is working with the machine, not raging against it, and true courage is cooperating with power, not fighting it.

Of course if the youth was to read this they'd just say it's propaganda from "The Man" and they would try to rebel against it. Then again that's what real conformists do.

12,000 Cheetahs

2009-10-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

Today on the news I heard the anchor read that there are only 12,000 cheetahs left in the world. The figure begs the question, how many cheetahs are there supposed to be in the world?

I'm assuming that 12,000 is low, otherwise the anchor wouldn't have read the number. So should there be 13,000 cheetahs? Should there be a million? Should there be a billion cheetahs?

If you ask an antelope, 12,000 is 12,000 too many. If you ask a cheetah fanatic, than 12,000 is too few.

I would think that for an animal that lives in Africa and parts of Asia, 12,000 isn't all that bad. It's almost double the number viewers for most NBC shows.

Of course cheetahs are big cats that remind us of our domestic kitties. Therefore we want them around and we want them around in healthy numbers. But what about animals that don't conjure up such cuddly images?

If someone said there were 12,000 slugs in the world, gardeners would rejoice. If someone said there were 12,000 spiders left in the world, women would be dancing in the streets.

To be honest, I don't know, with any amount of certainty, if 12,000 cheetahs are too few, too many, or just right. The only thing I know is I'm going to question these arbitrary numbers until someone gives me a straight answer.

Cascade Action Packs

2009-09-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

One of the hallmarks of getting old is finding excitement in things that even under ideal conditions; in the best of all possible worlds; in a shiny utopia without disease, hunger and pestilence; in a universe void of pain, suffering and acid wash jeans, you shouldn't find exciting.

Sadly, I can’t remember the last time I was more than excited than I am right now over a wonder-product called Cascade Action Packs. Yes, that’s right, I’m giddy about what is basically dishwashing detergent.

It may sound pathetic but these crystals are sent from God. They are little bags stuffed with soap, detergent, and Unicorn love that makes my dishes (especially my glass ware) sparkle and shine.

If you’re wondering where the bag goes, I don’t know. It just disappears. I would say it’s magic but magic doesn’t clean this well. Every time I use tge packs it’s like I bought a whole new set of dishes.

Not to sound obtuse, but Cascade Action Packs are frickin’ awesome.

Here’s how they work:

With dry hands, you set one pack in your dishwasher’s soap try, shut the latch, shut the dishwasher door, fire the puppy up, sit back and chill-lax.

When the dishwasher is done you’ll open the door to find two trays of glistening kitchen ware that is so clean you’ll want to make love to them.

And if you do that’s okay because you can just pop the love stained dishes back into the dishwasher, add another Cascade Action Pack and start the process all over again.

Yes, being this excited over a cleaning product definitely means you’re old but you know what, I don’t care. When you have clean, streak-less dishes like I now have nothing can ruin the high.

Talking On The Phone

2009-09-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

The older you get, the less you enjoy talking on the phone. If you couple that with being a man, then talking on the phone is one notch above a colonoscopy.

Inevitably, someone calls when you're in the middle of something. Since you're old, you're always in the middle of something.

Since you're old and you're going to die soon, you really don't want to waste time talking on the phone.

So how do you get out of it?

You get out of it the same way old people get out of everything, by giving the impression that you can't do it. When you're young and can't do something, people are inclined to teach you. But when you're old and can't do something, people give up on you and move on.

So to prevent people from calling and annoying you, here is a list of words you should use the next time the phone rings. Stick to these words, and only these words. If you do, eventually no one will ever want to speak to you on the phone again.

Hey.
Alright or ah right.
Fine.
No.
Yeah (never "yes").
Sure.
Yeah sure.
Okay.
Dunno (never "don't know")..
Whatever.
Multilateral Nuclear Disarmament.
Uh-uh.
Chicken (when ask what you want to eat).
Don't care.
Good.
Bye.
[sigh as much as possible]
[never ask a question]
[try to create long awkward moments of silence]

Michael Moore and His Immature Anti-Capitalistic Views (Conclusion)

2009-09-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

…When you’re young you’re ignorant. You don’t know anything.

Then you get some years under your belt and start to realize that capitalism is the best system we have and that its problems aren’t systematic but the folly of man.

You can take any walk of life and find good and bad people in it. There are just as many jerks in the politburo as there are at your friendly neighborhood multinational corporation.

Just as much evil reads Karl Marx as reads Adam Smith.

Having grown up a product of a lower-middle class family, I had a better standard of living; more luxuries; more amenities; more food, clothing and shelter than 99.9% of humanity, that ever lived on this planet, ever hoped to have.

My plush lifestyle was thanks to capitalism.

The reason why capitalism is the best economic system we have is because it rewards the positive behaviors of ingenuity, hard work, risk taking, competition, and invention.

These forces need to be unfettered to maximize man’s potential. If they are restrained, man wilts.

The actual real-life problems caused by capitalism are more than likely due to government intervention. In fact government regulations is probably a greater cause for concern then some C.E.O.'s avarice.

Finally, even if Michael Moore is right, or even half right, or even a quarter right, we would much rather be at the mercy of big business than the government. Corporations risk their own money but the government risks ours.

Michael Moore and His Immature Anti-Capitalistic Views

2009-09-23T22:38:00.001-07:00

Michael Moore has been out and about promoting his latest film, “Capitalism: A Love Story.” In it, Moore harangues capitalism and blames it for all of America’s ills.

Despite being a 55-year-old man, Moore has the same view of capitalism held by most teenagers.

You know the type. They have the “different” haircut and the “different” raiment’s so they can look like all the other kids trying to be different. If you have the pleasure to engage them on capitalism it goes something like this:

“Capitalism sucks dude. Money is evil. I’m a communist. Groucho Marx is the man.”

“Who bought you that iPhone?”

“My Mom.”

“Where does she work?”

“Union Carbide.”

“Uh-uh.”

That’s why it’s hard not to laugh at Moore and his premise especially when he goes on NBC to promote his movie. NBC is owned by General Electric, the world’s largest company.

Jeffrey Immelt probably had a good laugh over that one…

Continued tomorrow.

Eva Longoria Opens Mouth

2009-09-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

Recently, “actress” Eva Longoria spoke at a charity gala and said she is shocked by Americans’ attitudes towards immigrants and supports Obamacare.

It was quite an amazing moment. The body actually has a brain.

Well, a brain may be pushing it a bit, but Longoria did show she has the capability to form a complete sentence on her own.

Longoria: "The immigration issue is interesting because historically everyone has immigrated, this is a country of immigrants.”

You’re not an immigrant if you were born here. I was born here. You were probably born here. Most Americans were born here.

Longoria: “So it kind of shocks me that people have such a vile reaction to immigrants when they provide a huge amount of services to our country, and particularly in agriculture."

The overwhelming majority of Americans are proponents of immigration but opponents of illegal immigration. You want to come to this county, that’s fine, but do it legally.

Longoria thinks immigration reform is important but not as much as healthcare.

"One topic at a time, [Obama] can tackle the health care issue, and I completely support him on what he is doing currently, with his options that he wants to provide, and ... how he wants to fund it."

[Roll eyes]

Thanks for trying Eva. Now close the mouth and look pretty. We’ll call you when your husband is playing basketball and we need some eye candy at courtside.

President Obama and Racism

2009-09-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, if you criticize President Obama you are labeled a racist.

Honest disagreements with the President are being attacked with dishonest accusations of racism.

This movement is being perpetrated by liberals and democrats and their reason for doing it is quite simple.

They can’t logically defend President Obama’s stance on healthcare, cap and trade, the economy, and the defensive missile shield. So with no intellectual leg to stand on, his proponents charge his opponents with racism.

There is perhaps no accusation harder to remove from one’s reputation than that of racism. In fact, it would be easier to cleanse one’s self of being called a murderer or a child molester than a racist.

DNA, finger prints, witnesses, and alibis will help the innocent refute criminal chargers, but there’s nothing anyone can do to reverse the brand of racism.

We live in a society riddled with white guilt. So much so, that if you’re called a racist it will probably stick. When it sticks you become poison.

That is why the strategy of immediately labeling the President’s detractors as racists without one iota of proof is as bad as the act of racism itself.

The Difference Between May & Might

2009-09-16T02:54:00.000-07:00

Working as teleprompter operator for a local news station, I noticed that the anchors consistently changed the word “might” into “may.”

This might or may be merely a product of aesthetics. When spoken, the word “may” sounds better than the word “might.”

I learned that the word “may” indicates a higher probability of something happening than the word “might.” For example...

“I may go home and take a nap.”

...versus...

“I might go home and take a nap with Paget Brewster.”

The first example is likely is happen, the second scenario probably won't happen.

This could very well be the reason why anchors eschew “might” for “may.” Unfortunately, I don’t remember the context in which they swapped words.

Additionally, “might” is the past tense of “may.”

“Joe might have gone to the party last night.”

Also, when writing it’s a good idea to use “might” when expressing that something probably won’t happen and if the use of ”may” incorrectly indicates you’re forbidden from doing something.

For instance, “I may not wash my car this evening” could indicate that you don’t have permission to wash your car.

“I might not wash my car this evening,” clearly conveys that you probably won’t be washing your car this evening because of your own volition.

May you learn for this even though you might not care.

Obamacare

2009-09-16T02:52:00.001-07:00

The best retort to those who desire universal healthcare:

"...majority of Americans still have health insurance through their job and it's, you know, most of them are happy with it."

-President Barack Obama, September 8th, 2009

Brett Favre's Return To NFL

2009-09-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

There's more to Brett Favre's return to the NFL than one might think.

Favre certainly enjoys playing football and it's clear he wants to win another Super Bowl (i.e. defeat the Green Bay Packers).

Obviously the team he's joined, Minnesota Vikings, get the a hall of fame quarterback, that despite turning 40 in October, is still one of the best in the league.

Yet there was another incentive for the Vikings to bring Favre aboard. In the 72 hours after his signing the team sold 15,000 individual game tickets.

Favre's Vikings jersey was the league's top seller between April and late August and he only joined the team in the middle of August.

Even if the Vikings don't make the Super Bowl signing Favre was definitely worth it.

It's Not a Money Problem

2009-09-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

This country is in deep financial trouble and if you peruse daytime talk shows you realize why.

Often these shows will have on a clean, well-groomed, white man or woman, or even a couple, along with some dumpy “financial advisor.” The gist of these incredibly perspicacious segments is that person(s) has money problems and the advisor is going to save them from financial ruin.

However, the only financial problem these people have is themselves. Their jobs provide average to above-average incomes but they have below average common sense.

They fail to realize that you can’t spend money irresponsibly and then expect to have it when you really need it.

Ultimately, these geniuses don’t need an “expert” setting them up with a budget; they need common sense and self control.

To make matters worse these money-idiots are treated like as cute little puppies that have a cute little out-of-control habits.

There’s nothing cute about the way they spend money and sadly we live in a society that not only excuses bad financial behavior, but encourages it.

No More Qualifying

2009-08-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

"Michael Vick should get a second chance in the NFL but what he did was heinous."

"Plaxico Burress' sentence for illegal gun possession is too harsh, but what he did was stupid."

"I'm against ObamaCare but I think we should do something about the chronically uninsured."

That's it. I'm done. I'm through with qualifying my remarks. From now on I'm going state my opinions and shut up. If you misconstrued what I say then you either don't know me or you're an idiot.

After all, anyone who knows me knows I love dogs. Any one who is anti-gun should know there are people with pro-gun opines. As for ObamaCare I was lying. Not about being against it but about doing something for the chronically uninsured--let them drink NyQuil.

In the past, I've qualified my remarks out of fear. I was afraid of hurting someone's feeling. I was afraid of appearing insensitive. I was afraid of confrontation.

However, now that I'm old, and I've gained the wisdom necessary to function, I've come to realize that I really don't care. If someone needs me to clarify my opinion they can ask. If they jump to conclusions that's there problem not mine.

Here it goes...

"Michael Vick should get a second chance in the NFL."

"Plaxico Burress's sentence for illegal gun possession is too harsh"

"I'm against ObamaCare."

Meth Addicts, Blame It On The Economy?

2009-08-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Nick Reding wrote a book about a small town and their methamphetamine problem. Now the author believes the drug is "only a symptom of a larger economic and ultimately political problem."

Which is code for we need to take by force (i.e. taxes) from people who earn money and give them to drug addicts.

"Meth doesn't cause the problems faced by [small towns] ... economy does, and meth is just the lens through which to see that," Reding says.

How does a bad economy force people to spend what little money they have on drugs?

How does any rational person say "I'm jobless so instead of educating myself or doing what ever I can to find employment, I think I'll become a drug addict."

While we like to think the conclusion of Reding's comments is to get government out of businesses way.

However, the conclusion Reding is really making is the government needs to take money from people who earned it and give to drug addicts.

People like Reding view meth heads not as addicts but as victims; personal responsibility is anathema.

Meanwhile people who believe in less government (and less taxes) look at this situation and see weak individuals who would rather get high then make a better life for themselves.

Ultimately, the economy has nothing to do with these meth addicts. They would be addicts regardless of the economy because they are addicts to begin with.

Mark Sanford: Sometimes You Want to Get Caught

2009-06-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's six-day disappearance to visit his mistress in South America is quite interesting. The Governor had told everyone, even his lovely wife, that he was hiking in the Appalachians, but instead flew to Argentina to be with his girlfriend.

As a governor, Sanford has to possesses at least some intelligence and some common sense. The fact that he thought he could go MIA for nearly week and emerge from the other side unscathed is as far-fetched as the lies he told upon his return.

Therefore Sanford either became really stupid really fast, his mistress is that hot, or Sanford wanted to get caught.

Being a Governor during this economy cannot be fun, you're cutting budgets and laying people off. Also, his marriage was by all indications over. He was probably frustrated, stressed, and unhappy with his current life-situation.

It's not far fetched to believe that on some level he was trying to sabotage his own life or at least his job--the part of his life that was keeping him away from his mistress.

Sanford had the resources and the moxie to see his mistress without creating a national scene. The fact that he didn't may indicate he's desiring, on some level, a drastic change to his life.

Not to promote extra-martial affairs, but most people have lives where they can change lovers without hurting themselves politically.

When you're young, Sanford stupid actions may invoke scorn and ridicule. When you're old, they invoke pity.

Today It's "Kids," Tomorrow It's Whipper-snappers

2009-06-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

The term "Kids" usually connotes people young enough to be in young and still play on jungle gyms.

Regardless of age, if you call the aforementioned group of individuals kids, you're okay.

However, you know you're old when you call people who are old enough to drive kids. You know you're really old when you call people old enough to drink kids.

The other day, through the window of my apartment, I saw a group of people walking old enough to drink. As they were goofing off, I called them kids.

These are individuals old enough to buy me a drink and I'm referring to them as kids.

I had no other recourse but to bury my head in my hand and wish for death.

Go Tyrants!

2009-06-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm actually rooting for Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Before you hyperventilate with outrage, I don't condone or tolerate the loss of life resulting from the demonstrations concerning his re-election. That is a tragedy and it needs to stop.

However, I just can't help to root for tyrants, despots and dictators.

As much as we love democracy and our Bill of Rights, I'm still holding onto hope that I will someone become a tyrant of my own oppressive regime.

After all, those types of governments know how to get things done. Unfortunately, the tyrannical governments have been historically evil while democracy have been notoriously lethargic.

As dictator of my oppressive regime, I would not trample on human rights. I would not "eliminate" my opposition. There would be no "death squads." There would be no reign of terror. Nor would I have a very large harem of concubines.

Instead, I would rule with a kind hand. Yet that hand would also be firm and swift when it came to evil and its sundry of devices.

As a benevolent tyrant, I would stamp out the ills that plague our society, like crime, child abuse, corruption, traffic, NBC, bicycles, Jon & Kate, and identity theft.

So since I hope to be a despot in the future, I feel it's only logically to root for tyrants of the present. One of these times, one of these tyrants will be finally turn out to be the right kind of ruthless.

Did You Say You Wanted A Beer?

2009-06-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

The other day I placed an order at Starbucks. After I finished, the clerk grabbed a empty cup from the tall stack and paused for a beat. She then looked up at me and asked, “Did you say you wanted a beer?”

She didn’t whisper when she asked me to clarify, in fact she was rather loud.

I was taken aback. Not only had I not asked for anything remotely close to a beer, I hadn’t even utter a word since placing my order.

I immediately informed the boisterous clerk that I had not ordered a beer.

She burst into laughter attracting the attention of everyone in the store. A nearby clerk, who overheard her loud exclamation of “you wanted a beer,” made some obvious remark as he was re-stocking the lids.

I said nary a word as I thrust my gift cars (both of which added up to $2.38) into her chubby hands. She was going on and on, questioning whether or not Starbucks had started to sell beer.

I’m old and I didn’t appreciate her causing a scene. I can understand if I had said, “may I have a queer” or “can I get a pap smear, “or dear, ear, fear, lear” but I didn’t say anything remotely close to “give me a beer.”

In fact I didn’t say anything!

Her immaturity and youthfulness caused her to blurt out a rather embarrassing remark. Someone with more wisdom and experience would have treated my request (which I never made) with more sensitivity.

Worst of all, during this particular visit and on this particular day, I look exactly like someone stupid enough to order a beer at Starbucks and someone in desperate need of one.

Bookstore Finds

2009-03-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I visited an independent used book store and found two gems.

The first is “The Dictionary of Imaginary Places” by Alberto Manguel and Gianni Guadalupi. It’s a book about places that don’t exist.

As I was walking out of the bookstore, I asked my partner to name an imaginary place. Of course she said Narnia and of course I had already flipped the book to that page.

“The Dictionary of Imaginary Places” contains location from the world of literature, so no Tatooine, Vulcan or Cleveland, Ohio. Instead you’ll find Atlantis, Lilliput, Oz and any place found in a Tolkien novel (no Hogwarts though, the book is too old).

The other book is “Military Uniforms of 1686-1918” by Rene North. The book is poorly written (several terms are undefined, foreign language quotes aren’t translated) and it’s woefully short, only 153 pages.

Still it’s an interesting read. However the best part about the book is how it advertises its color drawing. “Knowledge Through Color” is slogan and it’s found above the title.

I will admit I’m not a big reader but it’s hard not to covet these unique treasures.

Going To Hell in a Hand Basket

2009-02-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

One of the sure signs that you’re OLD is the believing that the country is “going to hell in a hand basket.”

I don’t know what a hand basket is or why it’s the favored form of luggage when traveling to Hell, but that’s the way it is.

With the recently signed stimulus package, the overall zeitgeist of entitlement and the move towards socialism, I now believe the country is going to “hell in a hand basket.”

I’m also sure that I’m now officially OLD.

OLD people for countless generations believed that the country was “going to hell in a hand basket” and it never did.

That’s because the country isn’t “going to hell in a hand basket.” Instead the country is changing and I’m just too old to understand. I’m too old to accept it.

However, unlike the generations before this time the county IS actually “going to hell in a hand basket.”

Of course they said that before too.

Jessica Alba, Shmessica Alba

2009-02-05T00:08:00.000-08:00

When I young I had a definite idea of what I wanted in a woman. I had a specific hair type, a specific body type and a specific face type.

Now that I’m old all I want is a woman with a pulse.

As long as she’s remotely clean, semi-fashionably dressed and hairless in all the right places she’s attractive in my book.

I wouldn’t describe this new idea of an “ideal woman” as a lowering of my standards. Instead, I view it as a widening of my definition of attractive—which is any chick within a stone’s throw of a size 12.

Also, my old age has brought wisdom. I know beauty comes from within and not from without (unless you’re stacked). I also know the difference between sex and companionship. I also know which one is the most important (companionship, unless she’s wealthy).

I also know how to get a bedroom real dark. And once it’s dark, everyone looks the same.

The Christmas Sandwich

2008-12-16T20:57:00.001-08:00

When I was young I asked Santa to bring me toys for Christmas but no clothes.

When I became a teenager, I stopped asking Santa for toys but instead just asked for fun gifts (still no clothes).

When I became an adult, I stopped asking for anything for Christmas but I still secretly wished for fun gifts (however, I never wished for clothes).

Now, I don’t care what I get for Christmas. Buy me a gift, don’t buy me a gift. Buy me a shirt, don’t buy me a shirt. It’s all the same to me.

Christmas gifts have lost all of their excitement. Just more crap to keep in my house and never use or more crap to hang in my closet and never wear.

You know what I really want for Christmas? You know what I would really like to unwrap this year? What I would really like for Christmas this year is a sandwich.

It doesn’t have to be an exotic or an expensive sandwich. All I need is whole wheat bread, a little turkey, some lettuce, and a few thick slices of cheddar cheese (medium). Some fancy mustard would be nice but nothing too spicy—I have a sensitive tummy.

You couldn’t buy me a cheap pre-made sandwich; those aren’t very good and often contain earwigs.

I don’t want a sandwich from a sandwich shop either. They don’t hold up well and they skimp on the fixings.

Also, I don’t want a sandwich delivered from S. Claus, his bread is always dry. I’m referring to both Saul Claus Delicatessen locations, the one on Main and especially the one on Hoyt.

No sandwich gift cards. I don’t want to wait for my sandwich. Waiting for a sandwich is worse than getting clothes. Not only that, but when using a gift card you either have a small amount left over or a small amount to owe.

What am I going to do with a small amount of credit at a sandwich shop? And no one wants to chip in to buy their own Christmas present.

Basically, I want a homemade sandwich for Christmas and after all we’ve been through this year; I think I deserve a quality sandwich.

Now, if you already had all the stuff in your kitchen, a sandwich would be pretty cheap. You might not even have to go to the store.

If we were at someone else’s house for Christmas you could just use their sandwich fixings and the sandwich wouldn’t cost you a penny.

Of course, the homeowner might object, especially if you’re giving me the sandwich and you leave their kitchen in a mess. By the way, you can’t appease the homeowner by making them a sandwich too. That wouldn’t be fair if they get a Christmas gift and a sandwich while I just get a Christmas gift that is a sandwich.

You could always bring the sandwich fixings with you but what a hassle that would be. Just remember, if you do that, don’t let me see you haul the sandwich fixings around. That would ruin my surprise.

I don’t know how you would wrap my sandwich? Maybe put all the fixings in a box and then after I opened it, you could assemble the sandwich. After all, you can’t make the sandwich the night before—soggy bread.

Right before we open presents, you could construct the sandwich (when I’m not looking), wrap it up in a box and make sure I open my gift first. Wow, think of the logistics of that maneuver.

I keep mentioning putting my sandwich in a box, because I don’t think tape will stick to bread. I suppose you could put my sandwich in a Christmas gift bag.

If you decide to just wrap up the fixings, make sure you only include enough parts for one Christmas sandwich. Don’t wrap the entire loaf of bread or the unused portion of the block of cheese, unless you’re planning on coming over the next day and making me another sandwich.

Yes, a sandwich under the tree would be about the best gift ever. It would be a Christmas miracle.

One more thing, don’t forget the pickle.

The Fog of Road

2008-12-13T19:49:00.000-08:00

The other night, I faced with a dilemma when I was leaving my father’s home.

It was dark and extremely foggy. My father lives out in the country and even on clear nights, the drive from his house to my apartment is long and arduous.

They way I looked at it I had three options:

1) Take the safest route way home, which is also the longest, and drive slowly.
2) Take the short cut (narrow, serpentine, back roads) and drive as fast as I would normally drive in daylight (it’s just fog, it’s no big deal).
3) Stay at my father’s house until the fog passes.

The first option is old people. The second option is for young people. Guess which one I choose?

I was so embarrassed.

It’s just driving and it’s just fog, but I couldn’t endure it; I didn’t have the mettle. It’s one of the text book definitions of old: the inability to drive at maximum speed regardless of driving conditions.

Roads are meant for people to get from point A to point B as fast as humanly possible—if you can’t drive a car and meet those standards than you’re old. It’s time to pull over and young people, who know how to drive, have the roads.

Thankfully, I’m not to the point where I needed to pick option three. When that happens, put me in an assisted living facility.

Young Voters

2008-11-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

One of the things that really bothered me about the election was the amount of young people that voted (18 to 24 years old). From all accounts that age group played a huge part in electing Barack Obama president. Instead, that age group should have been playing a large amount of World of Warcraft.

Bottom line, young people shouldn’t be voting.

When you’re that young you’re nothing more than an ignorant ball of hormones that cares more about appearing “cool” than acting responsible—thus Obama’s victory.

Young people haven’t suffered enough; young people haven’t failed enough; young people haven’t had life poke them in the eye and curse their ugliness all while sipping on a tumbler of cranberry vodka.

I read a comment on-line from a young person who was thrilled that she voted for the first time and that her vote counted. I replied by explaining her feeling will quickly wear off. After all, most elections are between the lesser of two evils and most elections lack historical significance.

In addition to voting for Obama, college age voters were mobilized and organized and helped campaigned. This is a luxury Republicans can’t afford. College students have nothing but time, Republicans are busy working.

Depressed

2008-10-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

My grandparents lived through the Great Depression. It made them tough and it made them the successful people they are today.

Today, the world economy is in a recession (not a depression) and people are crumbling in despair.

I recently saw an example of this mass whimpering in the form of a list of songs complied to help others get through the “economic crisis.”
Are you kidding me?

You think Americans in the 20’s and 30’s rushed to their phonographs and whined about how bad it was? You think they had phonographs? You think they even liked music? No.

So suck it up. Get out of the fetal position. Wipe the tears from your eyes and go to work.

Yes, this “economic crisis” is unfortunate. Yes, this “recession” is obnoxious. However, it’s not the end of the world. The economy will bounce back. And it will bounce back a lot quicker if you get your thumb out of your mouth and do something productive.

Signs

2008-10-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

The other day I crossed the street and noticed a very prominent sign announcing the sidewalk ahead was closed. While I enjoy my routines and generally never waver from my daily path, I obeyed the sign and took alternative route.

A young couple in front of me blatantly ignored the sign and used the sidewalk. Our paths crossed again a block later at exactly the same time—my detour took me out of my way routine but not out of my way. The couple could have followed me without getting off their schedule. The closed sidewalk and subsequent detour were not inconveniences.

The couple was heading north and I was heading east. As they walked away I stared at them in disbelief. I was trying to fathom how they could disregard the “closed” sign and use the sidewalk.

I understand they didn’t break a law. They didn’t get hurt; they didn’t interfere with the construction; they didn’t impose on the workers; if fact they probably went unnoticed. I just can’t understand why someone would blatantly disregard a sign’s simple request.

Maybe it’s because I’m old that I follow directions. Maybe it’s because they’re young they rebelled against authority. I just think disobeying a sign intended to keep you safe is an act of impertinence not defiance.

Pessimism

2008-10-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

Being Old during a down economy, like the one we are currently experiencing, means it’s time to be pessimistic. I must lament the banking industry, blame congress, scorn the President and curse the “predatory lenders.” Being Old means I must proclaim we’re going to lose our jobs by Monday, be forced to live in tents and rummaging through garbage cans for nourishment. “Hoard water! Buy cans of food! We’re all going to die!”

Of course it’s bad but not that bad. While the aforementioned parties deserve blame, the causes are immense and complicated. So is the solution. The economy is cyclical and American ingenuity always saves the day. That is why we need optimism, positive thinking and a good attitude. But, I’m Old so the hell to all that!

“We’re all going to die!”

Irony

2008-10-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed that when most people say something is ironic it’s not. In fact, irony is quite rare. It’s so rare that one should avoid identifying it because chances are what you think is irony isn’t. Also, irony generally exists in literature, occasionally in television or movies, seldom in real life. Instead, when one thinks they spot irony they should realize it’s not irony and say something like “what a coincidence” or “that’s odd.”

To avoid misidentifying irony one must know what irony is. Irony is basically an “indirect presentation of a contradiction between an action or expression and the context in which it occurs.” Another way to say it: when the literal meaning contradicts the intended meaning.
For instance, the most famous example of irony, “like rain on your wedding day” from Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic” isn’t ironic. Of course as an example of irony it is ironic since it’s not irony.

Bottom line, just avoid using the term irony.

Bagging Pants

2008-09-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

I now know why old men wear their pants in a baggy fashion—they are out of shape. I have been wearing my jeans in bag mode, i.e. without a belt. While "baggishness" adds comfort, especially when I sit, it causes my pants to droop when standing and walking... just like an old man.

I’ve been removing my belt because the buckle cuts into my girth. This predicament leaves me with two choices. Wear a belt and suffer through the agony of my belt buckle digging into my beer belly or remove the belt and suffer through the discomfort of bagging pants. Of course there’s a third option, get in a shape, but I’m now where near that desperate.

Adage

2008-09-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

When you’re young you believe in stupid, optimistic adages that look great on paper and help you score chicks. When you become Old, you realize they are really quite useless and the chicks they scored had body odor problems.

For instance, “Money can’t buy happiness.” It most certainly can and it can buy a lot of it. Anyone who tells you money doesn’t buy happiness is either rich or a fool… or both. Another great one: “violence never solved anything.” Violence solves everything, why do you think cops carry guns and not fluffy pillows to apprehend suspects?

There’s the oldie but goody, “make love not war.” As you become Old, you realize you can do both. “Not all who wander are lost,” yes they are. Have you seen the wanders? If they aren’t lost than they need some serious help.

True wisdom doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker, it doesn’t rhyme, and it’s not set to music. Except the line “be-bop-a-lula, she's my baby,” that was pretty clever. True wisdom is...

Retirement

2008-09-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

You know you’re old when you start thinking about retirement. You know you’re Old when it keeps you up at night. What in the hell am I going to do? I don’t actually save for my retirement, I buy pull tabs—won 75 cents last Tuesday.

In all seriousness, retirement is serious. I know pull tabs are a bad investment (unfortunately I learned it the hard way). Yet even if you can snap your fingers and have all the retirement savings you could ask for, it would hardly remove all the anxiety of growing old. Yes it would, what I am saying? Still, I hope that medical science will allow me to work until I’m 80. Maybe that’s what I should be investing in?

Comcast

2008-09-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

I waited all day, all week and all summer to watch the opening game of the NFL season. The defending Super Bowl Champions New York Giants battling the Washington Redskins. Well, somewhere early in the second quarter, Comcast decides to stop serving their customer. The cable, including the internet, was off for two and half hours. When it finally came back on there were two minutes left in the game.

In this HD world, I didn’t have an antenna to watch the game on broadcast television. Fortunately, one of my three televisions still gets broadcast. I was so “excited” that I got to watch the game in the unused spared bedroom—you know the one with the sewing machine and the old luggage. The reception was so bad, I felt like I was watching the game through a thin veil of gabardine. The only three hours of the whole firkin week you had to maintain service and you blew it Comcast. Thanks for nothing!

Calf

2008-09-04T23:38:00.000-07:00

The other day I had to step onto the back of a trailer. It was an odd height, like stepping onto the top of a desk. Even though I had something to pull myself up with, I had to bend my leg in a way it wasn’t used to bending. As I pulled myself up, straining on the ball of my foot, I pulled a calf muscle—in my other leg! That’s like getting hit in the nose and your ear falls off.

I immediately cramped up (I walked that off) and sat down on the trailer in pain. The calf was throbbing the rest of the night and it has been sore ever since. What a fat, out-of-shape, Old blob I am. Not only do I get hurt pulling myself onto a trailer, I hurt the leg that wasn’t doing anything—the balance leg. Granted I’m not in shape, but I have been known to work out. Maybe I need to start stretching or something?

The Note

2008-09-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

Outside of my apartment is a fire extinguisher. Twice now, someone has stuck a waded up piece of paper in the handle. While it’s not even the 1000th worst thing someone could do to an apartment building, it is very unbecoming. This is my home and sticking garbage in cubby holes is quite unseemly and slovenly. I care about how my home looks.

So, I wrote a note asking the mysterious perpetrator to stop. It was a pretty scathing opus. It featured a curse, a limerick with the word Nantucket, a metaphor about their mother and three swears words, two of which were in English. Fortunately, my better-half stepped in and re wrote the note. She penned a funny tale replete with characters, themes and motifs. It was a delight to read.

I asked her if writing not and sticking it on the fire extinguisher was an “Old” thing to do? She said it was. Wow, I’m now that guy. Tomorrow, the neighbor’s music is too loud and their cat is crapping in my yard.

Image

2008-09-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

Now that I’m old I should have seen it all by now. But I haven’t and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to see anymore than I’ve already seen. I have a weak stomach for certain images. If I see a gross or disconcerting picture I’m quite bothered. It really disturbs me.

Yesterday, I was looking for a picture of a back and came across a picture of a “back-alley abortion” (it sounds worse than it actually was). Still, it’s an image I’m having trouble getting out of my head. What made the image so disturbing; besides the umbilical cord and the blood, was the picture’s aesthetic. From the thumbnail on the Google search page (I did an image search for “back” with safe off), it looked like a picture from a party. When I clicked on the image, I was shocked to find it wasn’t some chick (no face shown) spilling her drink, but instead a woman losing her baby.

The lighting, the dress, the pavement made the photograph far more unsettling than the blood or the gore. It may be safe to say that as one grows old, you don’t become used to disgusting images (unless it’s a product of your job) you come to respect life more.

Back Pain

2008-09-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

Why is growing old a constant pain in the back? It doesn’t matter what I do, I have back pain (well, except when I take a lot of drugs). No one told me about this. Resting doesn’t help; exercising makes it worse and getting out of bed is an adventure in agony. If I sit or stand for any length of time, my back hurts. To control the pain, I alternate between standing and sitting. While not difficult, it makes me look like I’m playing musical chairs. I know old people get hip replacements but can they get back replacements too?

Career

2008-08-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

I’m in a position to be anything I want. I have the support to pick a career and pursue it. Yet I can’t. Not that I can’t think of several careers I would like to try, it’s that I can’t, with good conscious, enter a field at such a late stage in my life. I’m too old to start a career. I’m too old for the normal landmarks of careers: internships, first days, kill-a-prostitute initiations.

No matter how fast I progress I’ll always be 10 to 15 years behind people my own age. Starting careers is the strict dominion of young people. I must resign myself to that fact and must realize I have squandered my life away. I have not only failed to find a career, I have failed to even fail in a career.

Where Fools Russian

2008-08-26T14:49:00.001-07:00

Today, Russia recognizes the independence claims of two Georgian breakaway regions. Now you don’t have to be Old to have this Russian maneuver remind you of the old Soviet Union. You just have to be born before 1977. While the politics of this region are complex, the politics of Russia are even more confusing.

I wonder if half of the diplomacy in a situation like this is just understanding and dealing with the Russians. While I find their maneuvering preposterous, I can’t help but be mindful that the Russian people are not Americans. Their thought process is not like mine. What makes them listen? What makes them heedful? What are they thinking?

As the world gets smaller (something Old people absolutely hate) getting along with one another is going to be more about understanding than it is about making concessions.

My impressions of the XXIX Olympics in Beijing

2008-08-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

Usain Bolt showboated over the finish line in a race that lasts less than 10 seconds. He caught a lot of grief for doing that, and to his credit I believe he listened, but to be able to run 100 meters and spend the last 10 showing off is incredible.

Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. He has 11 gold medals. What more does he need to do? By saying he’s the greatest in no way detracts from other great Olympians. Jessie Owens is still a legend. He's up there with Babe Ruth, Paul Bunyan or Johnny Appleseed.

Watching Misty May and Kerri Walsh was magical. They transcend the sport and are very special. I will miss them in 2012.

Lisa Leslie won her fourth straight gold medal in Women’s basketball.

I wonder if Shawn Johnson and her pixie image would have made her American’s sweetheart had she won the all-around gold? Even so, Anastasia "Nastia" Valeryevna Liukin was awesome and is hot.

U.S.A. wins most medals and China wins most golds. I’m happy with that. My country can say they won the medal count. China can say they won the most golds—each country has something to brag about.

Baseball is out of the Olympics, probably for ever. MLB should shut down and send a “dream team” to the Olympics. They never will but they should.

U.S.A’s Men’s basketball team won both on and off the court. Unfortunately, I had to fight back the cynic in me which said they were only in China to sell jerseys. Had the Olympics been anywhere else none of them would have chosen to compete. I hope I’m wrong and their genuine emotion after winning leads me to believe I am.

Jimmy Page at the closing ceremony performing “Whole Lotta Love” was awesome but way out of place. What’s next? Chuck D performing “Welcome To The Terrordome?”

Nail

2008-08-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

I’m fascinating by my fingernails. I don’t know why. I like to grow one of them long—just to give me something to look at when I’m bored. Even so, I pay rapt attention to all of them.

The picture to the left is the nail of my little finger from my left hand. I was growing the same nail on my right hand out but it became so jagged that I had to trim it—that was a sad day. Meantime, my left little-pinky caught up. What a story! I know this is odd. I’m sure it deals with primitive psychosis of right and wrong, good and bad. I’m sure it’s an indicator that I need round-the-clock mental care, but look at the nail! Isn’t it awesome?

Polyp

2008-08-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

One of the above is a polyp.

I don't know what a polyp is. I don't know where you get one. I don't know how you get one. What I do know is if you want to be Old, you need a polyp.

"I had a polyp removed."

"My doctor found a polyp."

"What to see my polyp scar?"

Polyps sound better than a tumor and more exciting than corns. I would like one on my back or my elbow; just no where near my area. Although from the looks of it, polyps maybe internal. If that's the case could I have one on my duodenum? I also hear that polyps make great conversation pieces. From my experience, everyone who's ever had a polyp can't help but to tell you all about them.

Commercial

2008-08-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

When you’re old you have the obligation to complain about things that others can’t complain about. For instance, you can complain about soft ice cream, automated telephone operators and confusing menus at fast-food restaurants. Television commercials are also prime targets. Old people like to complain that they are too loud, on too often and have nothing to do with the product.

While their complainants are usually well founded, they are such obvious observations that young people need not waste their time complaining. All young people know television commercials are too loud, air too often and seldom reflect the product. They don’t complain because they also know the nature of television commercials is to be too loud, to air too much and to have little to do with the product.

Since I’m Old I can complain about television commercials. The one in particular I want to complain about are RV commercials. Not one commercial in particular but all of them. They are loud, boring, and obnoxious and they make me violent. They usually have an irritating announce yelling about low prices and balloons for the grandkids. They do everything but entice me to purchase a Winnebago.

Loud Music

2008-08-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

One of the pillars of being old is detesting loud music. “Turn it down! It’s too loud!” Even though I’m old, antiquated and very close to being tossed onto the refuse pile, I have no such aversion to loud music. I like loud music, mainly because my ears are so bad that I can’t hear the music otherwise.

Regardless of the decibel level you prefer, the music you choose is a great way to either grow old or stay young. To stay young you must open your mind and allow yourself to be enriched by the point of view of new artists. If you close your mind, and only listen to music from “your era,” you become Old; in fact it’s the text book definition of Old. It’s also a good way to stunt your growth as a human being. If you music collection spans years and not decades, than you’re either a 13 year-old girl or you’re Old.

The Stench

2008-08-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Recently the part of world I live in experienced a heat wave. With high temperatures comes sweating and with sweating comes body odor. There’s one thing I’ve notice with respects to body odor, all old people have the same stench. I describe it as a cross between moldy furniture, medical waste, vanilla wafers and death.

My currently body odor is rotten salami and/or bad lunch meats. Yet, I’m starting to get whiffs of the old people body odor or O.P.B.O. in my musk. It’s only a matter of time before I have O.P.B.O. and when I finally do get full on O.P.B.O. it will be a glorious day. For all my pricey deodorants will be going into the garbage can. After all, why do you need to smell nice when old?

Olympics

2008-08-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Before the Beijing Olympics started, I was on record as predicting they would be the worst Olympics since the ’72 Munich games. While I hate to root for bad things to happen, I would still rather be right than wrong. Unfortunately, it looks like I’ll be way off on this one. The Chinese are doing a bang up job and NBC, despite their overtly feminine broadcast, is doing a good job too. Damn!

I know an American was killed but that was just a friendly reminder that crazy people live everywhere. It was very sad and a tragedy. The judging has been horrible in gymnastic, but they’re always bad.

I thought the time difference would screw things up but I don’t think it has. We are pretty good at avoiding media and avoiding results. There is always so much to watch that I haven’t a clue when things actually occurred. I just turn on the television or log onto the website and the events are there. I just wish NBC would tell us more about this Michael Phelps guy? I think he's a swimmer?

Volleyball

2008-08-15T00:39:00.001-07:00

I recently drove by a house that had sanded their entire back yard and installed volleyball court. They also put bars over the windows to protect them from being broken by errant spikes. What a bunch of idiots! This is the physical manifestation of the foolishness one spews when they are young and stupid.

“Dude when I get a house, I’m going to sand my entire backyard and turn it into a volleyball court.”

“Dude, we’ll have tournaments and s**t. Just have the entry fee be some beer.”

“Dude, when we’re not playing it will be like being at a beach.”

“Dude it will be sweet. I’ll help. My dad has a truck.”

“Sweet, dude. Sand’s got to be cheap and easier to care for than a lawn.”

“Dude you don’t want a lawn, you have to mow it and s**t. Think of all the time you’ll have for volleyball if you don’t have to mow you lawn, dude.”

“Dude, it will be awesome.”

When you get older you start to realize that you don’t want to play anything all the time, you don’t want your friends over all the time, sand is easily tracked into the house, lawns are multifunctional (not to mention if you’re a dude mowing the lawn is a nice break from you know who) and most importantly you don’t want to screw with the resale value of your home. Not to mention that in this part of the world it rains 8 months out of the year.

When you’re young, doing fun stuff like this sounds appealing and certainly adulthood gives you the independence to try it. Hopefully though, growing older will give you the wisdom not to.

Rascals

2008-08-06T23:01:00.001-07:00

Ever been to a grocery store during the middle of the day during the middle of the week? It’s like going to a rascal derby. I went to the grocery store around 2pm yesterday and there must have been a dozen of them roaming the aisles looking for bologna to fry. The best part of the experience was the honking. I kept hearing one of those motorized chairs beeping. I kept thinking to myself “that’s one ballsy elder.” Later, I learned that the many models beep when in reverse—I was disappointed.

The Old Ones using them were all very polite, although some had the meanest, foulest scowl you could imagine. I guess I would be looking sour if I needed wheels to get around in a grocery store. They did cause a lot of congestion. At one point I went all the way down to the other end of the aisle to get around them. They tend to pop the clutch and talk to the staff. Fortunately I’m not old enough (yet), to find grocery store employees stimulating conversationalists.

Bending

2008-08-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

It hurts when I bend over. Say tying my shoes or picking up a fallen fry off the carpet. What is up with that? No one told me that as I grew older bending would be difficult. Bending! What’s next? Turning? Bobbing? Tilting?

When I bend over, especially for extended periods of time, my head, neck and shoulders ache and I grow dizzy. This is all a joke right? I just have a tape worm, or anthrax or a large growth on my sciatica, right? One of those is the real cause of my inability to bend over free of pain, right? Now, I do enjoy the intangible part of aging: the bitterness, the crankiness and overall disdain for life in all of its forms, but the physical limitations are not fun. Bending was one of my favorite things to do.

Mustache

2008-08-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

I’m so sick of hearing about New York Yankee Jason Giambi’s moustache or lack thereof. But before I continue let me make it clear that I'm not writing about about his stache, I’m writing about people who write about his stache. Please stop, it’s meaningless, ridiculous and sophomoric and whatever reference you come up with to describe how he looks with hair on his lip you can rest assure is obvious and unfunny. Stop it now.

To catch everyone up, Giambi grew the mustache to get out of a batting slump. It worked, but he soon fell into another slump. So to get out of that slump he shaved off his mustache. (Turn on sarcasm meter) What a genius! Someone call Cooperstown (Turn off sarcasm meter).

Who cares? If this guy was a Royal or a Mariner—hell, if he was a Ray or a Philly—not one sports hack or one sports network would waste one second breaking down his lip fur. Regardless of how fiercely the east coast media syndicate tries to force everything Yankees down our throats, I know one thing for certain: facial hair has nothing to do with how well a batter rakes. If it did John Muir and Billy Gibbons would be batting .336.

Morgan Freeman

2008-08-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite actors (and probably one of everyone’s favorite actors) Morgan Freeman is in serious condition after an auto accident. The Oscar-winner rolled a car on a rural stretch of Mississippi highway late Sunday. What’s really bad is he was driving a 1997 Nissan Maxima. I guess he hasn’t received his share of the Batman money yet. In all seriousness, I hope the 71-year old makes a full recovery. Not only to be in the 3^rd Bale Batman movie but so he can get a decent ride. By the way no alcohol was involved in crash but there is an unconfirmed report that he fell asleep at the wheel (who hasn't where in the hell else you're suppose to sleep). One more thing, the car wasn’t his (I finished reading the story).

Jonas Brothers

2008-08-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve heard of the Jonas Brothers. I could pick the Jonas Brothers out of a lineup. But I wouldn’t know a Jonas Brothers’ song if it bite me on the lip. Of course, I’m old and not allowed to listen to their music anymore (nor do the record companies want my money, can we say out of the demo). Still, you would think that the sheer amount of media that surrounds me and the immense popularity of the Jonas Brothers I would still have heard one of their songs—hell, I don’t even know one of their song titles.

In the1960’s an “old” person would have heard at least part of a Beatles’ song—they certainly would have known who Sgt. Peppers was. They same can be said for the major artists of the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. But in the 21^st century the times have been a changing (that’s a Bob Dylan reference; he’s an artist I’m still young enough to listen to). Now you can be more famous than the thing you’re famous for doing. Hell, you can be famous for nothing (see Paris Hilton).

It’s a unique phenomenon that in our culture saturated with media I have accidentally gone this long without ever hearing the Jonas Brothers' music but yet haven't escaped being constantly told how popular they are. What a strange media we have that can sing the praises of a musical band without ever letting them sing. It seems counter intuitive to what you think should happen; namely I should hear their music every time I turn on my computer and see them every time I turn on my television.

Unfortunately the Jonas Brothers phenomenon reveals less about the future of music and more about the current state of our culture. We now covet celebrity more than we covet creativity.

Distrust

2008-08-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

When you’re old you no longer have to trust others. In fact it’s a requirement of being old and it feels very good. When you’re young you’re still expected to carry the burden of trusting others (I know it sucks, but don’t worry you’ll grow out of it). To help those still young enough to have faith in others (yuck), I’ve compiled a list of people and things that should not be trusted:

Never trust anyone who smiles all the time.

Never trust anyone who wears a coat when it’s warm, especially if it’s a trench coat.

Never trust a dude if he doesn’t watch the Super Bowl.

Never trust anyone named Curt.

Never trust anything you read on the internet or in the New York Times and be extremely distrustful if it’s on the New York Times website.

Never trust anything you hear on your local news station, your regional news network or on the national news.

Never trust anyone who tells you they’re something. Chances are if they have to tell you they’re something then they aren’t that thing they are a different thing. Either way the thing they are is untrustworthy!

Never trust anyone from southern Canada. Those bastards!

Never trust anyone with a toothpick in their mouth.

Never trust lacrosse players. Sneaky. Sneaky. Sneaky.

Never trust a anyone who tells you they have a fetish for thinning hair, they only wear a wedding ring to hide a scar and just to ignore the panting sounds emanating from behind the murphy bed… I hate to say it but I learned that from personal experience.

Never trust middle management.

Finally and most importantly, never trust anyone who tells you not to trust someone else. They are the least trustworthy of all!

Gross

2008-05-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

I understand the call of nature striking when you’re out in public (God knows nature has called me so many times she’s in my fav five). I also understand that when nature calls one brings reading material to the commode. What I don’t understand is answering the call of nature in public and bringing reading material—GROSS! Today I saw a dude, in a popular fast food restaurant, take the sports page to the rest room—he might as well got on the loud speaker and announced he was off to take a duke. Can’t he sit by himself, with only his thoughts for entertainment, for a couple of minutes? And what did he do with the sports page after he was done? I hope he threw it away.

Hypocrisy

2008-05-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

A local Republican politician and pro-life supporter is accused of fathering a child with his girlfriend and then paying for her abortion. A friend of mine pointed out the hypocrisy and asked why all hypocrites seem to be Republicans. I answered by saying Republicans take moral stances and when you stand for something it’s easy to fall down. Democrats have no morals, they stand for nothing (or everything) and therefore can’t be hypocrites—I know, I know I’m generalizing, but you get my gist.

I look at the politicians actions in another way. It’s very easy, in comfortable surrounding and from a safe distant, to champion firm and fixed positions on controversial issues. It is entirely another matter when you’re involved in one of those controversial issues. Meaning, it’s easy to be pro-life when your daughter HASN’T been impregnated by her rapist; it’s easy to be pro-choice when your daughter WILL survive childbirth; it’s easy to oppose euthanasia when a parent ISN’T dying and suffering from a horrible disease; it’s easy to support euthanasia when a parent IS dying and suffering from a horrible disease. Issues are always easier on the macro level then on the micro level; important and life altering decisions are always easier when you have no personal involvement in the outcome.

Whether or not the aforementioned politician should have or shouldn’t have been implicit in his girlfriend’s abortion (after all these are just allegations at this point) is irreverent to my point. What I’m trying to say is it’s easier to be for or against something when that something doesn’t involve you. That is real lesson one should take from the actions of hypocrites.

Hot

2008-05-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Where I live we are currently experiencing a heat wave. Granted, it’s a two day heat wave and temperatures, while unseasonable hot are, in fact, relatively minor (just two 90° F days). Still, in my part of the world when the mercury reaches 90° or over people freak out (that’s how we roll in the Pacific Northwest where meteorology is a contact sport). One of the things people do when it gets “hot” is head to one of our numerous lakes and rivers (apparently some people can’t endure a couple of hot days without a dip). Yet even though our air may be frickin’ hot, our lakes and rivers are still icy cold. Experts warn that despite 90° temps, you can still catch hypothermia in such cold water.

Not only is this a perfect illustration for people’s overreaction to relatively banal weather conditions, it’s also a perfect example of why temperance, caution and stability are important. There has to be an axiom or a proverb in here somewhere: just because the air is warm doesn’t mean the water is too. You must understand that even if it’s 100 degrees or 50 degrees, it’s not always wise to jump into a body water, especially if the only reason for your plunge is because your “hot.” Sometimes the most prudent action one can take is just being uncomfortable and suffering through the “hot” conditions. All you have to do to apply this model to other areas of your life is just substitute the key phrases. Just because you “love someone” doesn’t mean you should “dive into marriage.” Just because you like “Law and Order” doesn’t mean you should take the plunge and “become a police officer (or a district attorney…or their hot assistant).”

So the next time the mercury gets closer to 100 than to 50 think before you irrationally leap into the first body of water you see just because you think “you need to cool off.” Also, I should probably add—in the interest of full disclosure—I hate swimmers and all recreational activities concerning water, but still I think I have a valid point.

New Office

2008-05-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

My roommate recently redecorated her office and it was all paid for by her employer. With her new office—her new work environment—she enjoys going to work more, works more efficiently and doesn’t mind staying late. Simply, her new office is positively affecting her production. Her situation reminds me of news stores—usually there’s one about every two weeks—about a study that claims “workers like flexible schedules” or “workers like clean and decorated work environments” or “workers are more productive with frequent short breaks.” I find those stories (studies) amazing. Who doesn’t know that? They present their obvious finding like they are some sort of revelation. It’s not a revelation: content cows give better milk. Who doesn’t think freedom, cleanliness and breaks for work make for better workers? Who really thinks the best way to treat employees is to treat them badly? Me. You go to work to work—enough said. Work supposed to suck, that’s why they call it work. If you want flexibly, decorations, and/or vacations don’t work at my factory.

oldTV

2008-05-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

All this week I’ll be looking at “oldTV.” That’s not television that’s old, but television that old people watch. This kind of television is generally marked by the following: lack of relevance, void of loud music, reaffirms the world has gone to hell and mildly challenging puzzles.

Wheel of Fortune is the longest running syndicated game show and the second longest running game show either in syndicated or network (behind The Price is Right). The show created by Merv Griffin and first aired in 1975. The current version of Wheel debut in 1983 with Pat Sajack at the helm and Vanna White flipping the letters. The Wheel has been the most watched syndicated show since 1984. There has been over 4500 Wheel of Fortune Shows produced.

A 22 minute version of hangman, WOF is just the right amount of puzzle and the right amount of game show for old people. No complicated or confusing questions and no overly excited contestants. It’s also one of the few game shows you can play along with if your hearing is bad.

While I find the Wheel a little on the dull side, I do commend the producers for working very hard to keep the show fresh. Every time I watch there’s a new twist to either the game or the show. Pat Sajack is a game show host that is likeable and intelligent and Vanna White is still very attractive.

I prefer the trivia challenge of Jeopardy to the appeal the Wheel has to avid readers and word puzzle junkies, but judging it as a television show, WOF’s quality and longevity is both impressive and undeniable.

oldTV

2008-05-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

Law and Order began airing on NBC back in 1990. It’s such an old show, you may have been too young when it debuted but are now old enough to watch it. Created by Dick Wolf, this completely inoffensive whodunit, that splits the show between police work and the court room, is every old person’s wet dream. Not too much police work (too much police work is confusing) and not too much courtroom drama (too much courtroom drama is confusing). No complicated character developments (who cares about what the characters do on their own time anyway) and no story archs (that way you can miss an episode and not be lost). Also, Jill Hennessy, Carey Lowell, Angie Harmon, Elizabeth Rohm and Alana de la Garza are the perfect eye candy for old dudes: pretty, young (but not too young that all fantasies are immediately deemed implausible) and fairly chaste looking.

The show spawned two successful spin-offs: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit in 1999 (that show is for old people with strong stomachs or perverse appetites) and Law and Order: Criminal Intent in 2001 (that show is for intellectual old people or old people who like to complain that Vincent D'Onofrio whispers too much).

Despite being part of the TV diet for old folks, the Law and Order franchise is incredibly well done. My personal favorite is Law and Order: Criminal Intent (I’m a huge Goren fan) but I’ve watch a lot of the Law and Order: SVU’s too (although that show can be a little intense. During an era of television where scripted shows flock towards CGI effects, sex and violence, Law and Order proves that great story telling still sells.

oldTV

2008-05-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

In the 20 years Cops has been on Fox, over 700 episodes of the reality drama have been produced. The show was created in the early 80’s by John Langley and his producing partner Malcolm Barbour. They got the idea after accompanying police officers on a drug raid in South Florida. The pitch for the show surfaced during a writer’s strike and Fox quickly jumped at the chance for an action pack police drama that didn’t need scripts.

I remember discussing Cops during seminar when I was a student at The Evergreen State College. Cops was the target of much scorn and ridicule because the show focused exclusively on poor people—no white collar crime or wealthy suspects. Now, I had not seen every episode of the show back then nor have I seen all 700 episodes now, so I cannot say, with any certainly they the show focuses exclusively on poor people breaking the law. But who cares. Crime is Crime. Whether you’re rich or poor you shouldn’t break the law! Besides who wants to see rich accountants arrested on tax fraud, when there are shirtless drug addicts just begging to be hauled off to prison.

oldTV

2008-05-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

The network evening news cast used to be where America got their news. Now there probably not even in the top ten. The anchors were American stalwarts; our moral compasses. Now they are the butt of jokes; more fodder for the tabloids than anything else. It is a refuse for those still caught in the outdated notion that network newsrooms own the patent on gathering information, are objective and unbiased, and news is only important from 6pm to 6:30p.

The ABC’s World News Tonight or ABC World News Tonight started in 1953 as a 15 minute newscast.

The CBS Evening News has been on since 1948, and has used the CBS Evening News title since 1963.

The NBC Nightly News broadcasts from the GE Building in New York City. It has been known by that name since 1970 (1956 to 1970). Before that it was the Huntley-Brinkley Report and before that the Camel New Caravan (1949 to 1956).

All these shows are over 50 years old and oddly enough, besides technology, not much has changed.

oldTV

2008-05-05T12:37:00.000-07:00

All this week I’ll be looking at “oldTV.” That's not television that’s old, but television that old people watch. This kind of television is generally marked by the following: lack of relevance, void of loud music, reaffirms the world has gone to hell and Andy Griffin.

Today is Matlock (okay it’s a cliché but you try to write a blog entry everyday).

Matlock aired on NBC from 1986 to 1992 (it replaced the A-Team) and then the show ran on ABC from 1992 to 1995. There are 195 episodes of Matlock and Andy Griffin starred in every one (the only actor to do so). Matlock spun off the show Jack and the Fatman which in turned spun off Diagnosis: Murder. Executive Producers Dean Hargrove (show creator) and Fred Silverman were also responsible for Father Dowling Mysteries and Perry Mason. BTW, Matlock studied at Harvard.

Part of the mythology behind Matlock being the show for old people may be due (in part or in full) to The Simpsons.

Eight Belles

2008-05-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

Derby day. While I don’t follow horse racing as closely as I should, I always watch the Kentucky Derby. Who won? Who cares! The real story is second place finisher Eight Belles who was euthanized after suffering a fatal injury—she broke two her ankles. How frickin’ sad. You lose the biggest race of your life and your life on the same day. Still, I’ve watched several sporting events in which the second place finisher should have been euthanized: Super Bowl XXX, the 1995 Cleveland Indians, 2006 Men’s U.S. Soccer team, the Dallas Mavericks, Bode Miller… any so called “professional athlete” who chokes in the big game. Only today, Eight Belles competed like a champion. Only three phillies have ever won the Kentucky Derby, while she’s not one of them she certainly raced her heart out. How sad indeed.

Should

2008-05-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

I don’t want a rule written or a law enacted, I just want people to stop doing the following: mass-banking on a Friday and ordering more than 2 drinks at Starbucks. These are things people shouldn’t do—out of common courtesy—not be made to do, not forced to do or even coerced to do. On Fridays, you SHOULD only go to the bank for simple deposits or withdrawals. If you need to do some serious banking go on Monday—that’s what Monday’s are for. You’re not Warren Buffett, you can wait two days. Please stop going to the bank and ask for a year’s worth of transactions, when I’m in line behind you wanting to deposit my yardwork check and get some cash to go to Gamecrazy. Moving on…when you go to Starbucks you SHOULD only order one drink for yourself, and at the very most, one drink for someone else. NO MORE! If the lazy slobs in your office want an espresso, they should get off their ass and get it themselves. I have no problem waiting in line behind 10 people, each ordering a drink—that is factored in when I mentally estimate my wait time. But standing in line behind two people and one of them is order 10 drinks screws up my mental estimate. It confuses me! How long will I be waiting? Also, it SHOULD be legally permissible to maim someone who orders 10 drinks and all 10 are blender drinks.

Directions

2008-04-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Even though I’m old, I’m not that old. I say that because I have yet to succumb to one of the main pillars of old age—the need for driving directions. Now it may be the folly of the microscopic amount of youth I still have left or just a product of a neurosis, but I deplore directions—can’t stand’em! I hate giving them, receiving them or reading them. If you don’t know how to get somewhere, you shouldn’t be going. You should innately know how to get to from point A to point B. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your hometown or in a strange city, intimate knowledge of a conurbation’s infrastructure should be instinctive! I may be a little bold in holding this belief but I’m also never lost.

Shopping

2008-04-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

When you’re young and you want something you go to the store. You don’t care if the store is brand new and immaculate or old and decrepit—if you want it you’ll go in and get it, no matter what. When you’re old, you allow other factors to determine whether or not you’ll go into a store: ease of getting in or out of the parking lot, chatty or difficult clerks that you know are working, how big is the crowd, and the amount of panhandlers loitering outside. No longer is base desire your impetus to endure the bothersome task of shopping. Really wanting a six pack or a half case of diet Barq’s is no longer enough; you also need the energy, but physical and emotional, to put up with everything else. Why? Now that you’re old the little stuff is annoying.

One Week

2008-04-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

My favorite line is, "it's just nasty. It's gross." Then Dr. Phil asks, "what's gross about it?" Gee, I don't know. How about your dad having his penis slit and then folded back into his body.

I can understand the logic in wanting to be a chick. You're never wrong, you never have to take out the garbage, you dominate the home, the bedroom and maybe the White House, society lets you make all the decisions about the pregnancy and then gives you a free pass if you pawn your kid off at daycare, give birth (arguably the most painful experience a woman can go through) but complain when they chip a nail, even though statistics say women make less than men, most women I knew make more than most men I know (and women dominate all office settings), women can say stuff like "you go girl," but cry anytime they want, call themselves "Diva's," but complain about men's egos, gossip vindictively but scream foul when called a bitch, and can learn how to dance on a stripper's pole, call it exercise, but sue a company if a dude tells an off color joke in the break room. I get all that. I just think being a woman would be too much work.

Handshake

2008-04-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

The other day my roommate (i.e. girlfriend) awoke me before she left for work because she knew that that I needed to arise for an appointment—she was correct (she always is). I was so grateful to her that I wanted to thank her. Now we aren’t the most affectionate couple, and even if we were, kissing her would have been too physically too difficult, so in my half-alseep-half-awake state of consciousness, I lean over the bed and shook her hand. Both of us acted like it was standard operating procedure, like we always shake hands early in the morning before she leaves for work. And it was a hardy handshake—one of those handshakes that seals a deal. It was as if I had just sold her a car or we had finally completed the Hong Kong merger. When I brought up the ordeal later that day we both laughed hysterically. Of course I have the excuse that I was half asleep, but her only excuse is that she prefers my handshakes to my lip locks.

Hoveround

2008-04-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm old I want a Hooveround all thanks to the power of advertisement and my crap-tastic knees. This looks like a Weiden + Kennedy spot doesn't it?

Earth Day

2008-04-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of Earth Day is this joke:

What did you do for Earth Day?
-Nothing, I was out of town!

Other than that, Earth Day is just a hallow, superficial, meaningless event—just like most of the environmental movement. I think some people get confused about their relationship to our planet. We are not here for the planet; the planet is here for us. While responsibility is key, a balance is needed and morality should be employed, we should feel guilty for being here or exploiting the planet’s resources. I least I never do.

Take Your Job...

2008-04-21T13:26:00.001-07:00

I was looking through job listing when I came across this line: “we're looking for a writer who knows more about the Silver Jews than the latest American Idol round.” Do people really think like that? Especially people who hire other people? No offense to the Silver Jews, but American Idol has, and is having, and will have, more of an impact on popular music in America than the Silver Jews will ever have. Of course, information on American Idol can be found anywhere whereas other types of music is not as heavily covered—maybe their intention was to communicate that they focus on “non-mainstream” music. Even so, I do not want to work for anyone who makes the aforementioned comment. I want to work for someone who wants a writer who knows as much about the Silver Jews as they do about American Idol.

High Definition

2008-04-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

February of 2009 television stations will stop broadcasting in standard definition and begin broadcasting exclusively in high definition. That means your standard definition television will no longer be able to pick up broadcast signals through the air with an antenna. You’ll either need a converter or a high-def television to receive your local channels. From now until then, local affiliates will be bombarding their airways with stories, packages and information about the switch—they will do everything they can to prepare you. If on that day, when they cease broadcasting in standard definition, you call the station asking what’s wrong with your television set and why you can pick up their signal—you are old. That is the text book definition of old.