Noah's Ark Found on Turkish Mountaintop

Noah's Ark Found on Turkish Mountaintop

A group of evangelical explorers claim they've discovered wooden remains on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey that are from Noah's Ark.

According to them, carbon dating proves the relics are 4,800 years old. That age corresponds to the alleged era of Noah's Ark and Larry King's senior year of high school

Mount Ararat has long been consider the resting place of Noah's Ark--the biblical seafaring vessel Noah built to rescue two of every animal from a flood created by God to kill sinners.

"It's not 100 percent that it is Noah's Ark, but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it," said Yeung Wing-Cheung of the Noah's Ark Ministries International research team.

The desire to find the Ark of Noah is a) to land chicks and b) to prove the literalness of the bible.

"The significance of this find is that for the first time in history the discovery of Noah’s Ark is well documented and revealed to the worldwide community. There’s a tremendous amount of solid evidence that the structure found on Mount Ararat in Eastern Turkey is the legendary Ark of Noah.” - Dutch Ark researcher Gerrit Aalten

Without examining the artifacts myself, I know (with all due respect)that the Noah's Ark Ministries International has not found Noah's ark.

One of the many by-products of being OLD, and one of the few that doesn't involve phlegm, is knowing that fun stuff like Noah's Ark doesn't exist in the real world.

It's just how the universe works. You want female lizards who can reproduce without sperm or a chimpanzee that knows sign language? Bam! you got it. You want a boat that carried two of every animal during a world wide flood 4,800 years ago? Fail!

The Loch Ness Monster, the Holy Grail, Big Foot, the Shroud of Turin, ancient aliens, crop circles, moderate liberals, a second gunmen, Atlantis, and the Bermuda Triangle are all things that either don't exist, or don't exist as indicated by conspiracy theories or the 1970's show In Search Of.

The aforementioned items are fascinating to discuss but only the young intellect thinks they are real or even possible or should only be mentioned when fully clothed and not inside a male-only sauna.

After all, legends and myths are just that. Stories invented to show the banality of our existence.

"Our world sucks. I hate it," I say in my best pouting voice as I kick the ground in frustration.

When you're OLD you are resigned to the fact that the only interesting crap in this snoozer of a universe is shit like the miracle of life, the wonder of language, and sublimeness of mathematics.

B to the O to the R to the I to the N to the G.

SEC Responds To Porn Surfing Report

SEC Responds To Porn Surfing Report

Recently, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) responded to reports of senior staffers surfing porn while the country suffered an economic collapse.

Their retort was hardly satisfactory. They basically said the story is old news and reforms have already been instituted.

That's not exactly addressing the issue, but it's a response nonetheless.

"Each of the offending employees has been disciplined or is in the process of being disciplined. Some have already been suspended or dismissed. While any misuse of government resources is always a concern, since February we have further increased penalties. We will not tolerate the transgressions of the very few who bring discredit to their thousands of hardworking colleagues." - SEC spokesman John Nester

The uproar over the SEC's internet browser history comes on the heels of criticism from Republicans over the timing of the commission's lawsuit against Goldman Sachs.

Politics is obvious at play here but the real question is why would anyone look at porn while at work?

I ask this question not because porn is morally wrong, or gross, or inappropriate, but because at work you can't "do anything about."

And if becoming OLD has taught me anything it's don't start something you can't finish.

What possible benefit is there from looking at milkers.com or hairyandscary.com when at anytime the boss could ask you for the quarterly report?

Does logging onto misterfister.com really make that afternoon meeting go faster?

It seems obvious that porn at work would be a major source of frustration not satisfaction.

Look at it this way, I don't want to smell a tasty, juicy steak if I can't eat it. I don't want to sit in front of a cold, frosty beer if I can't drink it. I don't want to look at porn if I can't... well, you know.

Now the SEC offenders were at the senior level so maybe they had an office. I will admit a private office at work is a bit of a grey-area but ultimately porn should be saved for private moments at home.

If you're giving your porn viewing a "happy ending" at work then your internet habits are the least of your worries.

President Obama Spent Earth Day Polluting

President Obama Spent Earth Day Polluting

On Earth Day, which was April 22nd, President Obama spoke at a Des Moines, Iowa plant that makes towers for wind turbins.

The President's 1,800 mile trip to and from Des Moines burned 9,116 gallons of fuel. That does not include the gasoline used by the motorcade and all the various support vehicles.

So much for being Earth friendly.

Then again the tale enumerated above sums up the entire environmental movement. The message calling on others to save the Earth is often delivered in a way that's as damaging as the forces the message claims is putting the Earth in peril.

Bottom line, Earth Day, which is now four decades old, and the movement associated with it, is a joke.

It's nothing more than a way for socialist and anti-capitalist forces to redistribute wealth and to tell people how to live.

Us puny humans are in no way going to destroy the Earth. We couldn't if we tried.

Look at the recent eruption of Mt. Eyjafjallajokull in Iceland. That little volcano puffs a little bit, sends a smidgen of ash into the atmosphere, and the world's air travel nearly comes to a screeching halt.

Yeah, and my 12 mpg SUV is going to destroy the world.

Over the past year, scientists supporting the myth of global warming have been revealed as charlatans, liars, and cheats.

Again, more proof that modern environmentalism is a punchline.

The resources on our planet have been put here for us to use. Humans subjugate the environment not the other way around. It's kinda the basis for civilization.

Yes we should be respectable of our environment. Yes, we should recycle, conserve, and preserve. But whenever humans and the environment clash, humanity should win.

We need practical environmentalism even if such a notion is deemed OLD.

Arizona Passes Tough Immigration Enforcement Bill

Arizona lawmakers have sent a bill with some of the toughest immigration enforcement provisions in the country to the desk of Governor Jan Brewer.

If signed into law it would give the Copper State fuzz new powers to arrest and charge alleged illegal aliens.

Immigration can be used as an indicator for young and OLD.

When you're young, you don't care who comes to the United States or how they entered the country.

When you're OLD, you want illegal aliens rounded up and shipped back to wherever it is they they came from.

Young people always say is "we're all immigrants" or "we all immigrated to America." That's not true. I was born and raised in America. I have done no immigrating in my life time.

One of the main criterion of OLD is being an ardent immigration foe.

The OLD detest anyone breaking the law (which illegal aliens do) and harangue illegal aliens for draining public resources (which they also do).

It has nothing to do with hatred or racism. It has to do with obeying the law.

The bill in question will allow police to arrest illegal aliens for failing to show documents that prove they are in the country legally.

Opponents of the bill argue that certain groups of people will be targeted by police and harassed. Basically, you'll be left alone if you look like Phil Mickelson but forced to show papers if you if you look like Ubaldo Jimenez.

The fear is completely unfounded. Besides, shouldn't we be more concerned with protecting the laws of the United States and less concerned with upsetting the feelings of law breakers.

President Obama Skips Funeral To Play Golf

President Obama Skips Funeral To Play Golf

Mount Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano, has pumped so much ash into the air over Europe that thousands of flights have been canceled.

One of those flights involved President Obama. He was set to travel to Poland on April 18, 2010 to attend the state funeral of the nation's president and first lady.

Unable to attend the funeral, Obama played golf instead.

(By the way, Obama has golfed 32 times since taking office in January of 2009. President Bush golfed just 24 times during his entire eight years in office).

Regardless how much you disapprove of Obama's regime, you have to admit golfing during the time when you were supposed to be at a funeral is rather insensitive.

Certainly the President needs leisure time but he's also the leader of the free world. Everything he does is watched, scrutinized, and critiqued.

However, the situation does raise a very good question and one that we can all relate too: Have you ever done something frivolous when you should have been mourning a tragedy?

For instance, you learn that a distant-family member has died and then spend the rest of the evening playing Scoops on your iPhone.

Tragedy strikes the nation but instead of watching wall-to-wall coverage on one of a half-of-dozen news networks you throw yourself a Paul Rudd movie-marathon.

Granted, you have a level of anonymity the President doesn't have and can therefore get away with such callous displays.

Yet, if the privacy of being home alone was removed you would certainly be embarrassed if everyone knew the moments after Great Aunt Martha's death you were shopping at Sephora.com.

According to those who know such things, in times of grief we are to stare out the window and contemplate the meaning of life, we are NOT to play Wii Sports Resort.

I, of course, flog myself and recite inspirational haikus. Ah, who am I kidding, It's World of Warcraft.

Icelandic Eruptions May Disrupt Air Traffic For Months

Icelandic Eruptions May Disrupt Air Traffic For Months

Ash from volcanic eruptions in Iceland has forced the cancellations of thousands of flights to and from Europe. Experts warn that the eruptions may last for months.

Canceled flights cost airlines about $200 million a day.

This is quite a fascinating story as it combines two of the world's most interesting topics: volcanology and flight cancellations.

However, the best part of the tale is the 5,466-foot volcano that is spewing flight-canceling ash into the sky is named Eyjafjallajokull.

Eyjafjallajokull is actually the volcano's name; my cat didn't just walk across my keyboard.

Eyjafjallajokull is so hard to pronounce its pronunciation key needs a pronunciation key.

Don't expect your local anchor person to say Eyjafjallajokull it might kill them.

By the way, Eyjafjallajokull means "island-mountains-glacier." It's just west of a large glacier called Mýrdalsjökull.

In my OLD age, I don't think I've ever seen a name like Eyjafjallajokull. It looks less like an actual name and more like 15 random Scrabble titles or a word jumble created by a mad linguist.

Eyjafjallajokull is just the tip of the iceberg. In the article I used for this blog entry, the following tongue-spraining, spellchecker-busting names were used: Armann Hoskuldsson, Gudmundur Gudmundsson, Omar Valdimarsson and Barry Grommett.

"Barry!" Those Icelanders have such weird names.

British Clothing Store Stops Selling Padded Bikini Tops For Seven Year-Old Girls

British Clothing Store Stops Selling Padded Bikini Tops For Seven Year-Old Girls

Primark, a British clothing store like Old Navy, recently stopped selling padded bikini tops for girls as young as seven-years old.

Don't worry the matching thongs are still available in black, gold, and pink.

Primark Statement:
"Primark has taken note of the concern this morning regarding the sale of certain bikini tops for girls, a product line that sells in relatively small quantities. The company has stopped the sale of this product line with immediate effect. Primark will donate all the profits made from this product line to a children's charity, and apologises to customers for any offence caused."

It gets worse. The padded tops copied a halterneck style made popular by model and sex kitten Katie Price.

We give a pass to seven-year old girls who wanted one of this padded tops. They are too young to know what they are doing.

They are also too young to actually buy one of these things. Therefore we put all the blame on the sick and twisted parents who plopped down good money for this garbage.

Any parent who bought one of these disgusting garments for their daughter, much less their seven-year-old daughter, should receive a liberal dose of slap-to-the-face therapy.

Padded bikini tops sexualize whoever is wearing them meaning they should never be worn by children.

NEVER. EVER. NEVER.

Children need to be protected from this type of evil. They will have plenty of time to be sexualized when they get OLD.

Local Family Man Wanted For Murder

Local Family Man Wanted For Murder

Often when there is a murder (especially one that rips a community apart) the news media likes to interview the alleged murderer's family.

Inevitably, family members are shocked over the diabolical news and claim the alleged murderer couldn't possibly do such a heinous act. They know him as a gentle man.

Their reaction is pure folly of youth.

When you're young, you see the good in everyone. Love and affection blind you from your family members' faults (and trust me they have a bunch of them).

To a young person, family can do no wrong and if they do happen to falter, they can't possibly be blamed.

When you are OLD you not only realize that you family is incredibly fallible but they also very capable of murder, especially of one another.

That's why when you hear family members proclaim a relative's innocence you laugh in disgust or chortle in distain.

What you really want them to say is: "She's guilty as hell. I always knew she would do this someday. Have you heard what's going to happen to her car?"

Being OLD provides you with the wisdom to know that for an individual to partake in the evil act of murder they either need to be void of emotion or extremely emotional.

And as we all know, those two extremes dictate every family interaction.

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

Kick Ass Hits Theaters April 16

When I was really young, "ass" was a swear word. You couldn't say it on television or at school--the two main arbiters of what is and isn't permissible.

Once, I remember a precocious friend of mind showing me the soul of his "GASS" shoes during an assembly at the school's library. He covered the letter "G" with his hand and we all snickered.

Back than, "ass" was a funny word.

When I got a little bit OLDER, friends of mine used the phrase "kick ass" to highlight something positive.

"That VHS tape is kick ass," said Mike.

"The new Genesis game is kick ass," said Jennifer.

While the phrase was fun to say, it was still only uttered amongst friends. It wasn't something you said to your grandmother or Aunt Eunice or the lady at Hi-School Pharmacy.

Now that I'm OLD, Hollywood has released a mainstream movie called "Kick Ass." So in my lifetime, "ass" has gone from a swear word to a movie title.

The word doesn't "offend" my sensibilities. I've heard far worse. However, I do find the word quite coarse and its use quite lazy.

Not only that, but it's a gateway curse. Before we know it, a mainstream movie will have the "F-word" or the "C-word" or the "J-word" in its title.

Again, I've heard them all but do we really need those type of words popping up in the titles of mainstream movie? Aren't we better than that?

Look at it this way: the words "snot," "booger," and "poop" aren't swear words but I wouldn't put them in the title of my movie.

I would hope to show more imagination.

Kick Ass is set for release on April 16.

Obama Announces New Nuclear Strategy, Critics Say U.S. More Vulnerable

Obama Announces New Nuclear Strategy, Critics Say U.S. More Vulnerable

President Obama has reversed 65 years of U.S. Nuclear policy and eliminated the nation's deterrence capacity.

There was a day when I would have been extremely pleased at news of this sort, say when I was seven or eight.

Now that I'm old, I find this news downright frightening. I believe it has emboldened our enemies and put America and the world at risk.

The United States has removed the threat of a nuclear response without getting anything in return. Furthermore, the president's decision has diminished the nation's ability to protect itself.

When I was young, I experienced countless sleepless nights worrying about the Soviet Union and nuclear war. When my head wasn't filled with mushroom clouds and radiation burns I was convinced the Russians were going to land in my backyard and snatch me out of my bedroom.

Now that I'm old I realize the reason why the Russians didn't attack America (Red Dawn style) and why we had avoided a nuclear war--we had nuclear weapons.

These powerful and devastating weapons don't start wars they prevent them. They don't take lives they save them.

Wisdom teaches that peace comes from being armed not from being unarmed. Deterrents always work, disarming seldom does.

So here's to the return of nightmares. The Russians invading and snatching myself from my bedroom is now a distinct possibility.

Neal McDonough Fired For Saying No To Simulated Sex

I recently read an article about an actor named Neal McDonough, he was fired for refusing to participate in a sex scene.

The well-written and extremely cogent article, sided with McDonough and claimed sex scenes were gratuitous because they almost always have nothing to do with a television show's or a movie's plot.

The tenor of the article disparaged sex scenes less on moral grounds and more on the fact that they were a bad story telling device.

However, the article was so finely composed that it made me realized that I honestly and truly find sex scenes "oogie."

That's right I've become so OLD that I find images two attractive people having sex repulsive (of course, I always found images of unattractive people having sex repulsive).

What has happened to myself?

There was a time when I wouldn't watch a movie unless there was at least one devil's three way. I even wanted uglies tapped in a Muppets movie. Now that I'm old, I can't even stand the sight (or smell) of fornication.

Finding softcore porn objection, just another causalty of becoming OLD.